Currently

I cannot focus on my schoolwork. It's my last two months in college and how fast my four years have blinked by. I am experiencing senioritis: my mind is everywhere but my homework. I have just taken my graduation photo and I have looked at all my "proofs." I look shitty and dead in all my poses that I sent in my best looking one; I looked like I was either constipated or on drugs. I cannot wait for the 400 page yearbook to come out so I can predict what will become of my fellow college heads three or five years from now. Will they become a famous celebrity or a dingy stripper? I cannot wait for my face to show in the yearbook and swim among many other Asian faces who are anonymous, unknown, and nobodies until we make ourselves known to this grave society.

I've been spending a wealth of my time at Starbucks, trying to write my novel. I end up writing short sentences. With every gulp I write a word and by the end of the three hours I have consumed a cup of coffee for $2.01 and written four sentences that absolutely lead nowhere and die right before my eyes. I'm having writer's block. What is worse is that after I received a B on my writing assignment for one class, I became frustrated and shut down. Writing was longer a passion; it became a chore for me to write. A B grade meant that I could not write. If I got a B, it must mean I suck. Either that or the professor has incredibly high standards for literature or he is biased to the core.

Some people return to you even after you've abandoned them or forgotten about them. Then there are people who you think are distant to you but they consider you closer than you imagine. I'm glad that I could bridge a friendship with Linda for almost six years now. I had always pictured Linda as a camwhore and a ganster Asian who had social status. I remember the infancy of our virtual friendship. We would conduct conversations on AIM and she would be on her screen xxbabylindaxx or something like that. She would whine about her school crushes and her frustrated social relationships with guys and how drowned she was in her grades during her climb to the top. When Linda told me that she needed help with her entrance essays I found myself at a crossroads. I helped her because I was generous and also because I wanted to show off my writing skills which she declared phenomenal. I can't say that I contributed entirely to her beautiful acceptance to Northeastern, but I can say that her timing and luck worked marvelously to her advantage. I am happy that she got into a school of her choice and that she can further her goals and make her parents happy. I can't give her too much advice because I've spent my college years in a commuter college which is so different from a dorm college life, but I can tell her that cutting will do her disservice and that joining a sorority will get her drunk off her ass. I can recommend Adderol or energy drinks for her, but I can't workshop all her essays for her. I assume I will be working come June and that I will have little to no time to remain on AIM and have conversations about anything.

I don't really know what will happen to me in the future, but for now I am glancing websites for a job. I am hungry for a bookstore position while keeping myself away from other retail slots. While I can imagine a position at J.Crew or a salad bar, assisting customers five days a week and from 9 to 5 sounds like personal shopper hell. It sounds incredibly headachy to me and it won't bring me any satisfaction to be ordered around for a clothing size smaller than what I brought them in the first place, or to escort them to the dressing room only to be cursed to stay away and not enter to peep at them. My friends have told me that retail sucks ass. Thomas, Elisabeth, Pam, and Linda have offered recurring nightmares about the retail industry. Samantha has done service/food industry for a bit, but she has been incredibly optimistic for many reasons: she is very enthusiastic and she has an incredibly supportive family, especially because her mother is full of youthful energy Samantha looks for the positive unlike me who seek out the negative and magnify it for comfort. Jamie offers a rather interesting, quirky lens into retail work when she managed Urban Outfitters. It is through these lenses that keep me motivated and equally inspired to find work regardless of my self-esteem and doubts.

Oh yeah, I'm waiting to hang out with Linda.