Pleasure Principle

The collective consciousness is this: If you work hard, you will achieve great things. The amount of hard work you put into something will pay off...hmmm...work hard and play hard(er). These phrases are characteristic of American life---constricted by Calvinistic ethics while castigating and even socially alienating those who idle their life away.

I realize that there are many ways to make money and to earn a living, if you equate making money with satisfying basic lifestyles. There are many Youtubers who make pointless, outlandish videos and rack up a million dollars per year. You can do stupid shit for money. This is a possible consensus: America is stupider because we have all turned into sheep watching a screen of senseless videos. While we laugh at stupid pranksters demeaning the human race, we, in turn, have less respect for our fellow men and for ourselves. There are too many videos of teens carrying out stupid dances, pseudo-crimes, flirtatious behavior that does not better our society. Comedy is comedy, fine, but this is stupidity that does not help us learn anything or reflect upon our societal ills. It simply perpetuates ignorance and passivity. Oh, it also encourages hedonism. My father chastised me for showing off and seeking pleasure. He always asks me, "Can you go one day without seeking pleasure?" "Nee sun hahn?" He asks if my body itches...I always fidget to go somewhere. "Mmm ding duck gah" I can't sit still. That's true. I cannot stop moving my legs, twitching, and fiddling with some part of my body. But I cannot find a way to not find pleasure. Why should I stop seeking pleasure? Oh right! Because hedonism is an addiction likened to smoking cigarettes and taking drugs. My dad loves to inflate the situation and exaggerate its adverse effects. Perhaps he is simply utilizing the sliding scale argument, e.g. If you allow your daughter to get a tattoo, she will eventually shave her head and get her eyes pierced and her breasts augmented.

I dined with Donna and her sister Alice. Upon meeting Alice I was stunned that she is Donna's sister. They look nothing alike and had different personalities. Donna is outgoing and blunt and Alice is reticent and reactive. I was able to make conversation with Alice and realize her expressiveness and proficiency in Canto. I asked her to have Blue Ribbon Fried Chicken with me later this week so that I can help her get out of her house more often, as Donna pleaded. This idea of converting someone into a less-sheltered person is tantalizing. I remember when Linda and I tried to expose Karen to bars and restaurants in Astor Place. I seized the opportunity to also learn Cantonese and possibly Mandarin from Alice. Searching for romance is on the back burner for now because I have to get my priorities straight---Ivan reminded me that I need to focus all my energy on finding a job right now. He told me he is worried about my future. Over a plate of scrumptious Peking duck he instructed me to find a job and save up. I agree that I need to reorganize my priorities, but I kept on finding excuses to not focus solely on finding a job and instead, seek easy ways out like busking and modeling. These are not viable options to make a living, says my mom. I cannot keep busking because it will make me sick, tired, and lose face. I think of Justin who also busks, and I reflect on his response, "I'm still not sure what I want to do." Could it be that I am in the same boat, or am I just making an excuse to be lazy and not focus on my priorities?

I've been yearning to start my own business. I remember when Elena told me that I embody a leader. I don't want to follow, I want to lead. I falter at following directions and instead, do my own thing, so I should be my own boss and lead other people. I look at the mirror and wonder if my large forehead is emblematic of something great...perhaps I was born to become a leader, a boss, and I have not realized my potential yet. I remember that Lewis told me I am unique and will make a great leader. He believes that I can sway people and have them under my arms. His support is incredibly strong and vital in placing me in my niche. I want to unleash my potential and be a successful people. I want to embrace the word, "entrepreneur" and stop making excuses for not doing what I love. I obviously love being around people and socializing, so it's time that I embarked on a road to create my own public relations firm: Ten Lives, LLC. I'm not sure what LLC means, and this means I must do more research and figure out the PR firm business models. I will seek to change the model and find investors to help me out. Patience will be an underlying factor in future success. I watched an interview with the creator of Collective, Joe Apprendi, and he said that Collective is his fourth public relations firm; he had failed at three in the past. His tenacity and confidence set him apart from others who have languished in the shadow of failure. I do not want to be invisible after failure; I want to get up on my feet and restart my foundation, my looming empire.

I tell myself I have to sleep more, yet I keep myself awake by staring into a computer screen. Past 2, 3, 4 A.M. I still wonder about catching shuteye and then complain during the next day that I have not slept enough. My mom thinks that I can lie in bed and let sleep wash over me, but I disagree: I cannot just force my mind to stop chattering and enter a somnolent mode. Sleep has to come naturally. This is actually a misconception. I want to sleep more, but I bring myself stress almost every night. I wake up bathed in lukewarm sweat, muttering some kind of residue line from my dream, chasing the remnants of memories of a bygone relationship or friendship gone sour.

The pleasure principle: seek pleasure by wasting money, looking good (bahn liang, which means make pretty), and getting other people's attention. I do all three things and they are common symptoms of an era ruled by commercialism and fetishism of Asian women. I like to seek attention by talking to people, and this is a subtle way of seeking validation from strangers around me. I don't believe that strangers judge me appropriately therefore I don't mind their sentiments. If I'm not affected by them I feel safe around them and therefore I enjoy their company. I welcome their company because on some levels I don't care for them and they don't matter to me as much. So I rely on strangers to validate me and make me feel important. Any attention is good attention, according to my dictionary. I sing on the train and bop my head vigorously to music just to solicit attention from strangers. This addiction will be my downfall. I try my best to catch myself on the verge of making a scene, but sometimes I can't help but try to get people's attention.