In order to leave a legacy, you must build one first.
-Ketel One vodka
I hope that Tasnia has stopped sleeping late because I worry about her sleeping habit as well. Speaking of Tasnia, I wonder what she's been doing with her time away from Facebook. I slowly wander back to our conversations we had on two occasions. Lately I am proud of her for getting the Baruch ADS position to further her PR and marketing skills. I also miss hanging out with Shawn at galleries, museums, and even his own apartment. Now that he has a girlfriend I feel that his apartment is occupied most of the time. I cannot begrudge him for showing me less attention because when I was in a relationship I didn't devote my time to him; relationships require and demand time, and that's solid fact. However, I do lament not asking him to hang out more often. Somehow I feel like the essence of our friendship has been reduced to drinking beer, bullshitting about women, and barhopping. It's not that I don't appreciate these things, but slowly these activities become rote.
Lunar New Year is coming very soon and I feel distant to my culture, my lineage, my roots, my identity. This Lunar New Year doesn't feel too different from last year's...it feels so foreign to me, and I certainly believe that my fellow ABCs (American-born-Asians) share my sentiment. I remember that I did a documentary four years ago asking teenagers what Chinese New Year means to them. Their responses were heavily laden with terms like "money," "red envelopes," and "family." I am unsure if they really mean family when they say it. This year I expect a lot of families to mingle, teenagers to congregate and tout their hipsterness or their ability to purchase LV/Gucci/Longchamp bags. These superficial sights continue to haunt me whenever I generate an image of a Chinese teenager or even a well-to-do Chinese woman. Perhaps I shun particular Asian women who dislike me as imperfect Asian woman, deviating from the idea of what an awesome Asian should be. However, if this LV-toting, makeup-wearing, lavish woman did speak to me and show me attention I would not call her superficial, I would make her my wifey. Talk about confused ethics, hypocritical mindset, desperate attempts to make exceptions, in this case due to favoritism. These characteristics make me an imperfect and confused person. It is safe to say that I don't know what I want in terms of a girlfriend or even wifey material. Back to Lunar New Year: I expect to make friends in Chinatown while I prank people and take New Year selfies with them. I wonder if I can get the same attention I do in Times Square.
Shopping is my therapy. According to a study, shopping does relieve stress and lets people know that their purchasing power allows them to be in control of their lives once again. I can relate to this. When I make an informed decision (being brainwashed by the saleswoman who is very attractive) I feel like I am making a worthy purchase that will alter my life dramatically. I remember buying a $125 wallet from Rag and Bone, an expensive brand I seldom even check out. The salesman's name was Shawn and he was very subtle in winning me over: he said "I don't want to force you to buy anything, but come back whenever you like and my name is Shawn." Then he eyes me eyeing the wallet and says "That's an investment you're making by buying that wallet." The word "investment" galvanized my interest in the wallet. Five minutes later I bought the wallet, hands down. "Shut up and take my money" was an immediate mantra. Shopping gives me the ability to embrace superficiality without feeling constricted by my shortcomings. When I feel short and malnourished I escape into the stores of J.Crew, Gap, Bloomingdales. I can't tell you how many times I have burst into Bloomingdale's men's section and gazed at bags and tried on leather shoes. This treatment of wearing bags or admiring myself in the mirror makes me feel more relieved and grounded that I am accepted by the mirror and by myself. Ultimately I don't make a purchase and I leave the store with a feeling of excitement only to be greeted by emptiness once I return home: not only did I not buy the expensive bag or shoes, I don't feel like I have renewed myself. Shopping is about renewal for me. Each time I don a new pair of shoes or a new blazer I feel renewed; I feel that I have a new skin. Each new skin is a way of saying that I renounced my old flawed self, now I am a new man, a new sexy, suave, urbane gentleman who has class. The class comes from the new $585 pair of Paul Smith oxfords. But the reality is more cold and callous. As my mom said, "they have your money, you no longer have the money. Wouldn't you rather keep the money in your pocket?" She makes a great point that I should not be wasteful. This pair of shoes is not going to save my life, if my life depended on it, which it doesn't. If I don't buy these shoes I will still live. So I left the store feeling ambivalent. But at the end I knew that saving my money was key to moving forward and defeating superficiality.
I went on a date tonight with a third "stranger" from OkCupid. I met Yi at Chelsea Market and we walked around admiring the cuisine and exposing our lives to each other. She came across as a logical, analytical, deep, comparative person who loves books, order, and a sense of definition. She put up a good argument with me regarding tagging babies with RFID chips. She was keen on every word I said, which is great. She is an amazing listener, but by the end of our date I felt emotionally drained. I felt like she overpowered me in many ways. She left without accepting a second date. That's alright. She gave me a book that I shall read in a few days. The best part about this date was that she didn't run away like the last date from OkCupid.
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