Confuzzled

Expectations galore. You must have expectations in order to be thrilled and to be drummed up with excitement and anticipation. However, the higher the magnitude of expectations, the greater one crashes if his/er expectations fall extremely short of the real deal when the occasion comes. I choose not to have expectations anymore. I choose not to assume anymore.

Let me explain myself a little bit. I do not like to be classified just as it is terribly diminishing and partitioning to call myself gay, straight, or bi. I chooose to be gay on weekends and straight on weekdays. I get my freak on after midnights on Saturdays. I choose to call myself a woman on Sunday evenings when I wear my purse and tight shorts. These are all methods of performance as Butler calls them. I know that it makes people insecure, especially my friends who "know me so well" to find out that I have changed, as if "change" is inherently bad and "deviant" behavior. I believe that change can be for the better, in subjective relativism terms. I change for myself, and myself only. But the genuineless lies in the fact that one believes not that society fastens him, but that he fastens himself in order to align with no one but his own interests. If I change to align with a certain set of beliefs evident in society or my neighborhood, then one's change is not innately genuine or real from the outset. But then again who is to say what is real or genuine? No one knows but that person him/herself/shimself. Or do they?

Now in a post-modern world, it is difficult to say who is "above the influence" and can appoint accusations that society is branding male-female species. The truth is this has gone on for a long long time. There are people who genuinely feel the need to make a change and there are people who feign to define themselves in opposition to the Other ("normal" people). To make oneself "different" from "everybody else" is just as morally twisted as conforming to society. The need to be different in order to construct oneself in relation to the Other is an act of power differentiation and dialectical empowerment. This is ridiculously self-centered and narcissistic. No one should feel the need to be different in order to be "unique." Uniqueness is inherent. No one is the same as anyone else. "I" am different from "You."

How easy it is for me to classify myself as different and "above the system" or unclassified, escaping all boundaries and titles. But the reality is that I am using the master's tools to try to escape the master-slave dialectic when the truth is I have not escaped. I am still conforming and I am still classifying myself as "unclassified" or "unclassifiable." The very act of exposing on this website that I do not classify myself or that I am multisexual is simply unnecessary and an act of extolling myself in a strange narcissistic way. This act of validation and publication is a nullification of continuous change. It causes the end of a particular characteristic. It puts it in its place. Deadens it.