After meeting Tanya, let's say I had a round of microcrushes that slowly took the form of passive-aggressive tension or in other words, a love-hate intimacy whenever I was around her. I think that I fell for her act and not for her personality. I was moved by her sheer act of smiling to me and talking to me. This kind act operated on my infatuated with her and it moved the friendship towards emotions that infected the setting as well. It turned out that her newfound neighborhood Rego Park became a romantic spot for me not simply because of the travel time it took for me to go there and meet up with her but also because of its name and its mellifluous properties associated with the name. Rego Park slowly became associated with Los Angelas's Menlo Park and because Tanya hails from Las Vegas, a hint of exoticism may just color my rose tinted glasses when viewing her. I fell for her act of being nice to me as a lead-on and as an invitation to fall for her. My fast-falling, I call it, is a window into my desperation for a female partner and for a soulmate that is highlighted by one Simpsons episode when Marge told Homer that he's her soulmate. I think that my friendship with Tanya is not only colored by misunderstanding but it is also colored by hints of enviousness, for I am envious of her ability to be totally uninhibited and play her ukulele in public anytime and anywhere. I may also be intimidated by the fact that she lives in a nice apartment complex. But what is more perplexing about our friendship is the fact that I expect something wholly in return; I expect that after traveling nearly an hour to meet up with her, she will deepen the friendship and become closer to me. This expectation is bound to be unanswered. The night that I rehearsed with Tanya was the night that I knew that it was either a make or break considering she told me to pick her up in the form of a test question, to test if I would be kind enough, after I've done chivalrous move to walk her home on the first night we hung out. So I feel like good guys do come last, but does this good guy business occur in dawning of relationships or do they occur anytime when women take advantage of them? What exactly is this good guy business anyway? But yeah I felt like I was being taken for a ride and that she could get a freebee because of her cuteness and her uninhibited generosity to strangers around her. She told me that she smiled at me because she smiles at everyone and that I was no one special; this comment hurt me a little not because of the awkward straightness of her tone but also because it smacked of my expectation that girls would smile at me only if they were interested in me. This is caused by the belief that NYC women are often closed and would dare not make eye contact with men because it represents an invitation to men and they would use it as a solid excuse to mack on them or even to stalk them home.
After four hangouts and a lingering scent that I know is from her shampoo, I feel slightly disappointed that I have not only misinterpreted Tanya's generosity in spending time with a complete stranger, but I also come to realize that I am nothing all that special to Tanya because she seems to favor an equalitarian consideration for people which is fair but it also takes away from the specialness that I think that I should have around her. It is this selfish want to become close to her that I cannot back off or turn down the flames. It seems that my busking days have become numbered and they have not only become a source of lunch money and bag money but it has also become a breeding ground for meeting women, and secondly, for networking. I have concentrated my efforts on finding a girl/fan who would stop and listen to me and then I imagine myself dallying with her for the night or serenading her some more before I open myself completely to her and become a sob story, a song that cannot be encapsulated, and a heart that cannot be rendered safe or comfortable. These are the problems with rosy glasses or even first impressions that do not compare to second impressions which only create dire circumstances for the women that I meet. I have fears that my friendship with Tanya will wane not only because I have these stuttering feelings for her but also because I simply don't want to travel one hour to see her in Rego Park. It not only seems absurd that I have to take out my time because she doesn't know the map of New York City, but it is absurd mainly because I feel used after having gone all the way to Queens to pick her up on the day of our duet performance and then realizing that she did not wake up in time for it. I feel nothing but anger and frustration, but the source of this frustration isn't from something all that clear or united.
The night I went to visit Shawn at Home Depot turned into a night that I went to see Shawn at his crib. I didn't expect to go to his house but when I had called him he told me he was already home which shocked me because fifteen minutes ago he was at Home Depot looking for grout and a cement knife. The minute that I heard that he invited me over to his house was the minute I unleashed these host of homo-erotic emotions and on the cusp of homophobic tendencies I started to reel a little and feel uneasy in my stomach. I lurched for a second and reconsidered going there because in the far end of my mind I wondered if he wanted to live out his fantasies with me. I know that he is not interested in guys but for some reason his level of intimacy is supported by his voice/tone and it only makes me feel intimidated that anyone would get so close to me, especially a guy. It is quite loathsome to not include my homeboy Joe because he has been friends with me for more than eight years. But Joe and I both do not tread into each other's emotional realms because we don't show our emotions to each other. The night that I cried during senior dinner I cried on the arms of Eli, not on the arms of my homeboy who looked past me and did not ask me if I was ok. He clearly did not want to know about my issues and I am almost certain that he was very uncomfortable that a man would cry, that I would cry my eyes out. I am invited to believe that Joe thought I was simply seeking attention from Eli. The night I entered Shawn's home I was rather surprised that he had such a well-kept apartment and second floor that had a snug living room although it was slightly pale and the lighting was distasteful. After I made a film with Shawn I realized that our intimacy had infiltrated all the rooms in his apartment and that I did not mind his intimacy at all; I was having fun making the film and I had forgotten why I was ever upset and let down by Tanya. In fact Tanya didn't cross my mind that night after I left Shawn's crib. He was nice enough to walk me home and we surveyed two Spanish chicks' asses as we headed to the train station under few street lamps. Shawn told me that he was an extra in Taking of Pelham 123 and he drove his cab a few times across the Williamsburg Bridge for 600 bucks. I suppose our routes in filmmaking and acting are not that off, only he didn't have a speaking role or any sight of his face on camera.
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