Goodbye Dewey

The last graduation for John Dewey High School made the school sound like it was coming to an end, which it was in a certain sense, but it was not closing its doors completely or being demolished or imploded for sacrificial/condemned reasons. It was closing its door and reopening under a new name, Shorefront Academy for the Arts and Sciences (Chris Davis informed me of this on the lawn before we entered graduation). I suppose that educators and planners at the Department of Ed (whom I consider are naive does and fawns) wanted to purge the school of John Dewey's name not only to cleanse him of his anger in his grave, but to stave off all bad luck and curses surrounding the school which was blamed on the bad students and the bad neighborhood. These suspicions are occasioned because the DOE eliminated principal Fried and replaced him with a nasty woman who threatened my fellow teachers and shoved them in a corner, all in preparation for the closing of the high school and the complete firing of teachers, and having them nastily reapply again for their own positions. There is nothing more heinous and infuriating than this act of power, this defiant act of marshalling power in order to purge the school of it's objective badness (objective because they ranked by numbers which is sadly the only objective way to rank or access an institution and its subjects). I have heard many horror stories in the past, but this was not a complete surprise because after the student brought a pistol into school six years ago the school lost its morale and there were increasing telltales signs of its erosion. Metal detectors were enforced a year after and bathrooms were closed prior to and before classes immediately ended to restrict loitering. To combat these restrictive and harassing measures, students and faculty had Dewey Fridays and picketed before their classes began. News caught sight of this and the DOE allowed Dewey to remain open until half a year before today they decided to shut it down and rename it to cleanse it of its bad air. I was surprised that students at Dewey (who I do not know because I had graduated) picketed and fought for their school and it was very uniting to hear that they got their voices heard. The concept of imagined community works here because I consider them my fellow Deweyheads yet I have not seen them or met them, but I've heard about them so I make a visual in my head that they are committed, strong, and united.

On a sunny Tuesday morning I awoke at 6:50AM with only three hours of incomplete sleep wafting off of my small eyes. I reached my limbs into dapper attire because I wanted to show up at a mini-reunion looking fabulous for my friends, but mostly for myself to show to them that I am fabulous. I remembered that Cathy would be one of my friends who clicked attending on the Facebook event page. I met up with Joe at 25th Avenue because that is what I would do for the last two years' graduations. After we arrived on the lawn, Chris Davis greeted me and Santiago looped in as well. I was surrounded by my old friends. Shortly, Jessica, my TRC duetress came in as well in her ripped jeans and rocker Converses. She always has a slightly red face and an adventuresome aura that marked out first meeting during Tannenstock only two weeks ago. We didn't chat during graduation because she was busy taping the event for Ms Bouiss, but we hung out right after graduation ended. In not too long I met up with Thomas, Wilson, Tony, William Chang, Daisy, Charleen, Peter, George. Daisy looked incredibly tall with her inch and a half heels. She had a pretty back-flowing dress on and her eyes were done for the occasion. Her bright, ambient smile and hug reminded me that people are illuminating, particularly, Daisy was illuminating because of her unchanged sweetness and warm presence. Her cute discounted doctor's bag reminded me of Urban Outfitter bag that Z had. She always has an air of easyness and easygoing alertness that painted her viewpoint on life. Charleen and Daisy and I had pretzels while we half-listened to graduation. But because I spoke to Daisy the whole time I had blanketed graduation and the speeches entirely. We made plans to snap some pictures with her instant film strip camera and to explore NYC. It was reasonable and inviting because I have not hung out with Daisy before. When she prompted me if I had a girl yet, it dawned on me that her coolness factor peaked every other girl's coolness factor, but that was the effect of the moment. It was not long before I accompanied Wilson in a few minutes of deriding names of graduates because they sounded funny, including Muhammed Ali, and John Chu, which could be a yearlong joke at the dinner table: "John...CHEW your food!"

I don't think anyone has had such a dramatic effect on me as Cathy did. The second I saw her face in the crowd it was like a reunion of a small degree in her mind, but of a high excess in my mind. I missed Cathy to an increasing degree when I saw her, but it was abated because I did see her and she was within my arm's reach compared to when she disappeared thousand miles north to Babson College. But this was four years ago when a proper goodbye was not even fastened, much to her forgetfulness which I had forgotten about (I forgot that she forgets a lot, so she has to exonerate me from proposing memories of us in high school).

I doubt that Cathy has the same amount of consideration for me that I have for her. But I didn't have the same amount of consideration I have for her constantly, it wasn't a linear interest or increasing interest in her because I did not text her or message her on Facebook, except occasional likes or comments on her page. It wasn't a demanding interest to see her, so I don't see how my pining for her now is genuine compared to the four years of time that kept me from her. But time didn't keep me from her because I still could have communicated with her but I did not, and this unwillingness to connect with her shows the decreasing interest I have in her. But four years later, which feels like two months later, her face brings back this glow of radiance, this warm reuniting, this kindred attachment and obsession over a Cathy that I once knew in high school (I still know now but things have changed substantially, and it is only compounded by her short term memory.). I was reacquainted with a smiling Cathy whose eyes were more attractive than before. It got me rolling around in a pool of memories with me and Cathy. It got me breathing hymns of justice that would not be served because she is moving to North Carolina in a matter of two weeks. This came as a surprise to me because it terminated all chances of pursuing her, as if her informing me of a relationship did not shut me down already.

When it comes to long distance relationships, the distance factor scares me to no end mostly because I cannot withstand physical distance and I cannot extend that magnitude/kind of trust to any women (really?). So I reeled myself back and told her I was happy for her in a rather rash passive aggressive manner concomitant to being rejected and wishing the best for Cathy in place of my frustration. For some reason I imagined Felicity but I only imagine Felicity in hindsight because the show did not come to my mind; I imagined that after four years of being punctuated by space and time, Cathy and I would rekindle and become close(r) again, but this was only thwarted by her move to another state that was far from New York City. My grand expectations of being close to her and being around her in company was annihilated and extinguished. I can keep typing up synonyms for the word annihilate and destroy and eradicate and erase, but my point is that Cathy is no longer a viable option to harbor my feelings on. But the truth is I salvaged my emotions. Remember that my emotions for her faded away after the senior year of high school!!! It was only after seeing her yesterday that my emotions were reawakened. Therefore it proves the halo effect is not just a first-impression-based bias/rose-tinted lens, but it is also colored by dormant emotions or forgotten emotions fastened to that person of interest. In a way I felt like I could rekindle with a beautiful person who encouraged me to pursue my music, but that seemed to have wilted away because of four years of distance. Within these four years, the distance seems very primal. This distance seemed to have reached into both of our beings and claimed the identities we used to hold onto and remember for each other. What I considered Cathy to be was warm and sweet but the change theory implies that people change regardless of anything and everything. I'm not saying that she is not warm and sweet anymore, I'm saying that her views of me have changed as well and because her memory is spotty, she cannot rely on cues from four, five years ago because those cues have eroded. So we can start from the beginning but she is leaving in two weeks so I wallow in complete frustration that someone I have longed for will disappear again, as if four years wasn't enough (but then again four years went by too quick). When I saw Cathy for a good twenth time (I kept saying hi and bye to her but I was hovering and returning to her, regardless) I wanted to take away her aura and keep it unchanged, keep it unaltered by time. But I left feeling incredibly rejected. This rejection is amplified because not only did she forget the memories we had (therefore the consideration is unrequited [I have little consideration for spotty memory, unfortunately because I suddenly obligate reciprocation in time of friendship terrorism]), she was not staying in NYC. Though moving is out of her control per se, I inflict a mini grudge so that I can understand my feelings of rejection.

It was later on a moving train that I told Jessica how much I adored Cathy and how much I liked her, but I specified later that I fell in love with her actual, physical presence and return. I fell more in love with the memory of her and the simple attraction fuelled by her eyes and her lilting smile. These traits are not necessary inducive or proof of a fireproof relationship or infinite passion. It is another tale of unrequited love that is bridged by time and not reinforced by any messages between these four years because I never bothered to message or call Cathy. So what makes me any more deserving of a sudden rush into love when I was never there for four years. It is all fair and settled into the campus of John Dewey. The minute I asked Cathy to hang out with me, I was only wanting to see her to keep a part of her before she leaves for good. Is this not a means to an end? It's actually just a closing point and a way to settle the feelings for good. So her moving away is a good thing because it allows me to breathe away these feelings of rejection which comes with it anger and frustration.