Time doesn't fly, it teleports. "Time knows something we don't." Once my denial defense mechanism kicks in full swing, I begin to blur my past relationships and begin a new one, however that is not as easy as it seems. Whatever relationships I enter in the near future, I fear my partners will be rebounds or flings, and that will be a sad case of hypocrisy since I don't want any of my friends to play the fling role. It's not fair to be used as a ho or a slut. It's not fair to be the other or second woman in tow. No one should have to be kept on the side or kept as a number two. So I understand why my ex wanted me to put her first, and always first. No one wants to be second or the second best.
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I've lost almost forty eight hours of sleep for the past week, and still counting. I have habituated myself to sleep at 4 or 5 A.M. every day now. I'm not sure why I feel a void overcoming me. It's a void in which emotions recede into the background and I surround myself with either music or food. I've had Halal food twice this week, and already I have forfeited beginning a diet. I begin to imagine a world without material things, without high maintenance women, without Asian repression. I imagine a world without complications to life, which I discussed over the phone last night with Tiff, someone whom I have not seen in almost a year now. I believe that typing this blog is therapeutic, more therapeutic than calling Pong, Tiff, Joe, or Tony, and venting to them my girl troubles or obsessions with romantic trifles. I've been thinking about someone lately, and placed all my eggs in one basket while wondering if she, out of everyone else around me, knows that I like her. All these unanswered questions only complicate my life when the only sane thing to do is to simply ask her and face the truth. While the uttered truth hurts, asking unasked questions in my mind hurts more.
I've been talking to my friends about her for three weeks now and it seems that my interest in her is waning the more I think about our differences. I think this happens to any person once I dwell on the negative aspects or vices that I glean from horoscopes more than I glean from her personality. I use the horoscope, unfairly, to judge her and label her, so that I don't have to do much independent thinking and make up my own damn mind. So of course I would lose interest in her if I think about our incompatibility. The ultimate challenge is not to focus on compatibility, which Tony said is overrated, but to take a dive and experiment. However, experimenting is probably the last thing on her list of priorities. I assume that romance is far in her future because she has plans to go to grad school and to maintain a high GPA. All these goals are amazing, but how does one find balance between academic life, career, and romance? Is she ready for a challenge? Is this the challenge she will take up? Who will move her to accept this challenge? If I am charming or delicate enough, maybe she will take up my offer. But do I want someone who will see me only from time to time? Is this the person I want to be with...someone who puts her studies over a relationship? Or will she change gradually? These questions haunt me in my sleep. It also haunts me how I hunger for a relationship after just coming out of one that went awry. All these questions are awesome, especially in my head, but I want to do is to muster my courage and confidence to ask her face to face. Although our beginnings are sappy and romantic, in my opinion, these moments may only fall under a halo effect, which happens in EVERY formative relationship, especially in the infancy of the relationship. We always dwell on the first day, the beginning of the time spent together, the days two people spend together, the text messages sent, the good things exchanged. I've been feeling rather distant after receiving signs that she will be busy over the next few months. Her uncertainty in seeing me again made me resent her for a few minutes; I end up taking things so personal that I distance myself from that person who seems to want to avoid me. I need to stop taking things personal and really understand that it's not always about me. If someone is genuinely busy, then I need to give her space and focus on myself, regroup. Tony has suggested that I find double-positives; how do I turn a bad situation into a good one, in fact, find two ways that I can benefit from this situation!
Now I rethink about my halo effect, I wonder, why did I ever attribute my increasing goals and progress to her? Why did I say that she pushed me to do things that other people could not get me to do? Why do I say that she encourages me and that she showed me a change of scenery? These are actually factual statements. She did show me new things, take me to new places, invited me on my first scenic adventure. She did all these things for me, when she could have invited someone else. Wishful thinking that she had me on her mind at all times. Generosity and niceness is sadly misinterpreted as flirtation and romantic inclination. Perhaps, she was trying to be friendly, and ultimately friendzoned me in this process. Richard believes that she friendzoned me, and that I should move on. Moving on is a terribly spiteful way of saying that the person has wasted my time, and I will find someone else. Investing in building a relationship is worthwhile, instead of tossing everything away in a fire. I don't believe that I should reclaim my Fridays and that I should blame her for wasting time. Those are immature ways of dealing with things. I would rather remain friends with her, and keep my options open. I no longer place all my eggs in one basket, but rather, a few baskets. I have to find new baskets to place my eggs, my chances.
I have a show with my sister in a few hours, so I will get some sleep right now. Good night.
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