The Days are Numbered

"Feelings change but principles remain the same."

-Tony

The key to being a man (cut out the sexist connotations and attributions for a moment) is standing his ground. To stand his ground, he must know himself like the back of his own hands. To know thyself is to master loving oneself and to settle on key self characteristics that root him in principles. I need to know who I am, what I believe in, and firmly project these beliefs with zero hypocrisy. A woman is attracted to a man who does what he says and delivers the whole nine yards. The key to being successful in a career is based on being grounded in principles. To have a certain set of values and principles is to distinguish oneself from the herd of conforming sheeple. I remember having this conversation with Tony two months ago when we traveled to Astoria to buy a guitar from its Craigslist owner. That night I felt I bonded with Tony not just as friends but also as kindred spirits, perhaps brothers who knew each other's plight, if only for a moment, we stopped to really listen to each other's future goals. To this day I feel like Tony has his guard up for reasons I can hardly infiltrate. It's fascinating how someone else can not only share my sense of style, shoe size, but also my taste in romantic partners as well as idealistic reality.

Writing in this blog is emotionally taxing because I know there is a lot more I want to type. I can go on and on about what's happening in my life and probably dramatize and exaggerate. These are two things I do best. I hyperbolize situations to give more credibility to them (when in actuality, the bloated nature of my stories convince people that I'm fabricating) and to draw attention to myself. My father said that I'm "fond of limelight," in Chinese it's called "hui-wing." I tell tall tales to draw attention to these experiences and to myself for having these unfathomable experiences. Stretching these stories allows me to buy pity and sympathy from my friends. I embrace polar opposites. For example, I tell a story about a police officer harassing me and requesting that I hand over my camera, when this actually did not occur. This extreme event did not occur, and anyone who believes it has offered me sympathy and I crave this pity. It almost acts as validation for who my friends are. This validation system is a destructive. I cannot rely on this system to placate my self-distress or my low self-confidence. I cannot keep pranking people in order to make myself happy. My father wonders how on earth do I derive pleasure in pranking people. How do I have such audacity to speak to random people. "Nee gum dai-dum?!" I chose this word audacity because it actually reflects me in a positive light. I think of myself as rather brave and expeditionary. Unlike the term "bravado," "audacious" indicates a sense of daringness and boldness. I take pride in being audacious while others feel fremdschaden for me. How am I not feeling ashamed when I do these stupid, pointless things to strangers? This question haunts the few friends who are concerned about my well-being. Jimzy is clearly perturbed my latest behavior and he feels incredibly sorry for my parents to have raised an only son who is making an ass of himself for other people's pleasure. It's been nearly two months that I've trolled people and I love the thrill of spooking strangers whose behaviors I can barely expect. I actually want to stop trolling people because recording videos depletes my phone's battery life.

I just remember how needy people are, and how Tasnia managed to not beat around the bush, 'People only care about when you need something.' I called up Hayward and phoned with him for nearly two hours, depleting all his cell phone minutes. I held up Tony for three hours before our hike with Helen just to simmer in sadness and recollect my uncertainty with my passing days. I remember Thomas's voice resounding in the background, "How come people won't give me an ear, but when they were in trouble, I stayed up all night just to hear them out?" I remember when Thomas cushioned my panic when my previous ex-girlfriend and I had a fallout. I remember how selfless he was. Now I wonder, will I give him more than three minutes if he needs me? I remember loving to talk on the phone. This habit started in junior high school. I would call up three fourths of my classmates in my homeroom class and play them songs on my guitar. This habit became a therapeutic way of releasing and venting. I started calling Priscilla, Amir, Charles and James, you name them. Whoever knew me, I called them incessantly like a pesky rat that visits on weekends and weekdays, but never falls for the cheese.

Thanksgiving and Black Friday have passed and I wonder what my friends are up to besides dining with family or on vacation with relatives. I wonder if any of them have New Year's resolutions. I'm not looking forward to the New Year because the days have been expiring too fast, too fast for me to hold onto. I cannot seize the day and capitalize on the hours remaining. I fail in time management and continue to waste time haunting Starbucks and Union Square pretending to be a writer or a die-hard musician in the subway stations. They say that you are a writer only if you actively write. Don't profess that you're a writer and not write unless you feel like it. Writing must take place every second of your life. I met a photographer on Black Friday eve who advised me that once he stops photographing, he loses his place and immediately falls behind. His panda eyes reminded me of how hard he must hustle even though he works for Associated Press. His life sounds remarkably stable, but his demeanor demonstrated that he desired more acknowledgement or artistic control. I feel incredibly lost in my own little world, my own little fantasy of trying to catch the fame. I tried so hard to catch spark by aligning myself with Fanny who challenged me to learn R&B songs, but really, I need to find my own musical voice. However, that's the conflict I'm having right now: do I revert to a solo career or join forces with Fanny, my "sister"? I find there's more power in being a duo, so I rest on her shoulders as a source of success. She's my moneymaker and I'm not going to deny that she has conspicuous talent. But the past two weeks have been stagnant. Fanny has to perform with Alex for a fundraiser and they need rehearsal time, which means that Fanny has no time to rehearse with me. I had aimed to make our rehearsals and jam sessions a weekly gig, however Fanny has a life and different goals that are not in tandem with mine. I seek a life of limelight, constant search for musical success, while she puts her music career in the backseat, for now. She doesn't make it a point to chase the musical spotlight while I go full-force for it. No judgment here; our priorities are different. I've been thinking about returning to Pam and collaborating with her whenever we can, but she is really busy with work and studying for her upcoming certification exam.

The days are numbered. They pass by so quick, and time has certainly won the race, as always. I try to stop time, but it's near impossible. I wish to be less lost and more present in my friends' and my parents' life, but I seem to just reside in my own sphere and not make conversation with them. The only time I converse with my friends is on Facebook or through text. I have been sending less and less text messages. Perhaps I'm getting tired of people in general. But how can I be tired of myself? I feel completely disinterested in meeting women because I come across them every time I make videos. I'm surrounded by women to the point where I'm "yeem-thlai" of them (tired of them). My Dad always points me in the direction of studying, and discourages me from macking on women. He believes that "the right one will come along" when I'm not looking. Yes, this is the general consensus that when I'm not looking and am passionately following my dreams, a wonder woman will surprise me and sweep me off my feet, and then carry me gently. I feel that I'm handling so many things right now that I cannot bear to have a relationship because my juggling will be exacerbated. I will drop one of more tasks as I juggle a new item into circulation. That is not to belittle relationships. Xia once told me that "I'm not looking for guys right now; I'm not going to have a relationship," but a few months down the line she found someone. You usually meet things when you're not looking for them. However, general logic is disdainful of this claim: how can anyone find anybody if he or she is practicing the same belief: if everyone expects someone else to find them, who is actually doing the leading? Who is going to break the ice? Will everyone remain isolated and in their own bubble until some brave soul actually infiltrates? These terms are so exaggerated, so staggered, that situations are far removed from reality when it is related to romance. Romance has been far removed from this realm especially if we continue to drown ourselves in love songs, yet remain a stranger to the meaning of love.

So let's see what's on my plate. I have to find a job instead of busking in the subway and making trouble with my video camera. I am confident that I will get this internship at an art retailer this week. If I do get it, I will sacrifice my plans and work full time Monday through Friday. I will take my new schedule in stride and be sensible that I will only do what is necessary to further my financial success. I can lay down the rails of my career and make money to support my family. These opportunities are vital! In the meantime I lament the remaining days that Ivan is staying in NYC. He will head back to Korea and find romance and a career. I will forever remember the times he relied on me and the days I needed him for emotional support. We both spent a day together during the blackout, and it was unforgettable. These are the moments that solidify our friendship. I will miss him dearly once he departs for his hometown halfway across the world. For now I anticipate not having a monthly Metrocard for the entirety of December which means I have time to recollect myself and do things I desperately I need to do, at home. Some things need to be enforced. Some people need to be disciplined. I know I do. I will start learning things I've been meaning to do: Learn Mandarin, learn Photoshop and CS3, build a portfolio of photography, buy a mirrorless system and shoot regularly, and continue to find substantial work.