I've been sleeping at 5am for the past three weeks now. Habits are evil. I've been dependent on my homegirl--I wait for her every night to AIM me and to have a full course chat with me before I zzzzz. I also text all my friends day to day. If I don't get a text, I feel extremely lonely and deprived. Empty. Technology is evil. I think about my guitar, my music, my new guitar ($600), J.Crew shirts (100$+), a leather satchel bag, new pair of jeans and new pair of shoes, hangout with Diana on Tuesday. But really wtf. Why did money ever enter this equation?! Ever since I started busking in subway stations, I have felt the need to acquire more attention from strangers, to accumulate dollar bills, and to drag my homegirl along. I frightened Linda by asking her for her guitar so that I can perform in 68 Street subway station. That was a selfish move because I only wanted to use her for her guitar so that I can show off to strangers. Sigh, what bad decisions I make only reveal my feverish selfishness. It's like best friends are skydiving together, all of a sudden, one best friend eats a steak alone and cuts off all communication with the other best friend as they descend and open their parachutes.
What matters to me now is a good night sleep, a good diet (as I claim, "I am on a diet, I will drink no more sodas, diabetes are bad", yet I ate McDonald's today and I drank three bottles of soda this week and I gave up on exercising three weeks ago). It's time that I stayed true and not let the inspiration go away.
RIGHT NOW, MY INSPIRATION HAS WITHERED AWAY. But wait a sec, aren't my friends my source of inspiration? Why do I feel bored sometimes?
Why am I so knee jerkingly excited about hanging out with Diana this Tuesday? Is it because we are hanging at a bookstore (which I went to once and it was boring to me)? Is it because her poem touched me even to this day? Sad part is that she's older than me by a year or two, and she recently coupled with a boyfriend. Why does this intimidate me, yet draws me closer to her? Why does this sound more peaceful than seeing my homegirl and my homeboy?
Why does seeing Joe, Thomas, and my current friends pale in comparison to meeting new people. Why do I classify people when I try so hard not to be classified myself? WTF
Lately i've been functioning on Asian porn. Somehow taht keeps my self esteem up. Sigh. singleness. No excuse to fap.
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