The real question is: How do I express myself in direct ways and straight paths so that people can better understand me? How can I be simple to the point that I am obvious and readable to almost everyone around me? There will be no mystery and there will be necessity for mystery because what people see is what they will get. They will get all of me, not parts of me. However this is tough to answer because it relies on complete honesty and complete destruction of complications within my own self. It requires me to stop using bigass words and regress to telling things like they are, as bare bones as possible, making things obvious and direct despite hurting other people's feelings. Honesty is honesty because it does not have anything covered up and it has no layers. Honesty is delivered directly while lies cover up many many layers uncountable.
Simplicity and purity are kind words to describe someone, not necessarily a girl, but a human being. In fact, I have been blind to simplicity for a while. The only times I associate "simple" with myself is when I discuss material goods --- dressing simple and dressing down. This is not what Xia is about. Xia is about all-around simplicity and wholesomeness in honesty. The honesty needs to be of forefront concern therefore her friends do not get confused. Through her Virgo-selflessness, she simplifies everything to the point of obviousness so that her friends can digest it fully and certainly. I, Ken Ruan, have no understanding of simplicity, just as the rich does not know how the poor live. I cannot know what simple people are and how they live. I find Xia so extremely simple that she is extremely complicated. She is complicated because I cannot figure her out. It is also because she's so obvious that I cannot figure her out because I must rely on using complexities to figure her out. But she has no complexities, therefore I cannot figure her out. This already forms a barrier between romantic territories, huge barrier.
If you are sure, you would not need to consider twice, you would not need to think, or doubt your feelings. If you are 100% sure, you would tell it like it is without thinking because it is obvious. Things that are obvious need no second-guessing or repetition in the mind's eye. Besides if I really am enamored with Xia, I would have made a move much sooner and would have succeeded. However, this wishful thinking is only possible in retrospect, obviously after time has passed and a roadblock has been discovered. These sentences only search for ways to make meaning/sense out of these roadblocks. Without understanding there is chaos and insecurity.
Teach me how to live someone, not love, because love simply becomes confuzzled with lust and carnal obsession. Sadly Kant has taught us that carnal lust and bodily sensations frequently get tangled with love. Truth is holding bodies close together do not configure love readily, it is a false precursor for love to take place. It is easier to have two bodies intertwined because sex is direct while love is diffuse. Love is intangible and simply indescribable by words. But sex is tangible and very much titillating to all senses. It is so stimulating that the greed for carnal pleasures overtake any logic and immediately arouse passion to its highest temperatures, disregarding everything else, and I mean everything else (We notice this is many romance films where couples peel their clothes off and make love to each other, rough!).
Films like The Wackness, from five years ago, contain this open-ended closure to a seemingly lively and nurtured relationship between the two main characters. Olivia Thirlby's character has made passionate love with Josh Peck's character numerous times, and even taught him how to have sex. This does two things: it flips patriarchy on its head by making the female more experienced in this case, and lets her be on top driving the male. The inexperience/nonexistent pimp qualities in the male frustrates masculinity because he gets owned by the girl. The second thing that the film does is it allows for open-ended plot device: the girl's disappearance (dropping off the face of the earth) typifies the withdrawal of females once they find male's inability to satisfy them or know what they are doing. This scene is so upsetting and depressing to me because I recall multiple occasions where females have left me and disappeared on me / deleted me off of Myspace/Sconex after they rejected me. This represents a quasi-closeness to the female character in this film who simply goes MIA and leaves one short, abstract message. This message only confirms the female as a "bitch" who used the male and has moved onto better objectives. However, this criticism is an attack against women for their disappearance, it is a defense mechanism used to buffer masculinity, as a try to revive the male's ability to restore order and answer to his own lyfe. The soundtrack was TLC's Baby Baby Baby which contains a very breezy, summerish, emotionally-bristling feel to the melody. This melody guided some scenes such as their windy cruise. It added to the sexual tension that appeared throughout the scenes. It also highlighted the honeymoon aspect of the two characters only for one of them to delete themselves and to inject unrequited love into the false relationship. The counter-argument would be that she was only experimenting; sex is a direct method of experimentation to get closer to a male and understand his power/drive. Because the male character never had sex, his drive/power was nonexistent which makes the girl have an excuse to drop him/negate him.
Tunnel vision is extremely difficult to snap out of because it is habit, it is pleasure, it is impulsive. I try to not use horoscopes as a divine way of analyzing myself because it is a self-fulfilling prophecy much like an Oujia board is guided by ideomotor effect. But I genuinely believe that my Aries sign bequeaths a type of arrogance, egotism, ostentatiousness that aligns with Sagittarius who are flambuoyant and ostentatious in highlighted ways. If Xia has taught me anything, it is to be completely bare bones and unpeeled and to be honest to most importantly, myself. I think that simplicity is gained when all the additional layers are shed. The unnecessary, selfish, self-assuring layers must be shed. I believe that my inability to simplify things contribute to self-constructed confusion and self-pity. All the frustrations arise from my inability to simplify things and take it down a notch ("simmer it down").
But how do I put myself in a position where my defenses are raised and my castle walls are erected to its fullest? Once again, defenses are reflexes built over the years and they are disgustingly unfair because they are blind to different people. Sometimes defenses come up even with best friends, overthrowing best friend statuses and destroying the entire friendship at the end/near the end. The most appealing thing about defenses include its potential to self-preserve and to regress to inner-security. When I get rejected by women, my defenses come up --- I let these defenses be awaken because I feel hurt and extremely angry at the women. These defenses allow me to hate them and to negate my relationship with them from the beginning. This reaction formation allows me to imagine a scenario where I am no longer the predator/prey, but instead the victim who needs to retaliate. And the retaliation is ignoring the females and hating them/projecting my anger towards them in subtle ways. Now, if I let all my defenses down, I will get hurt. But aren't we all human, don't we all bleed, so aren't we all vulnerable? Why should not we not cry tears and let them glisten in the light as they fall from our faces? Why should we pretend as if we are indifferent robots entering the twenty-second century? The reason why I did not feel hurt by Xia is because of a few things: my uncertainty in chasing her and my willingness to give up (impatience and disbelief in trust/time).
Now, I can go on all night and wrack my brain about compatibility; I can check my horoscope against hers and keep on going and going and going. But this has not happened yet. This will eventually make me crazy and obsessive which is extremely unhealthy and selfish. The object of affection no longer remains human but rather an entity (Marxist terms) or thing capable of being possessed (songs like My Girl make women possessive). This detracts from the sameness of the female to a male. The male wants the female and forgets that she is not an object but rather human. But his dying want and ownership of her is so fierce that everything else matters less. As this peaks towards obsession, things will be rocky.
Julianna coaxed me that no one is perfect. To assume that someone is perfect is to hold them at a certain "present" situation and to freeze time. To assume that someone is perfect is pretty scary too because it asks you to block out every other female you are seeing and will be seeing. To assume that promises are true is to take a leap of faith similar to believing that there is a God and that your years of prayer and Sunday time taken out is not in vain! But some girls are already bitter and unshaken when it comes to love. They have been through "enough" in their own subjective eyes (you cannot compare oppression) and they are not willing (you can't blame them AND you can't force them to do otherwise) to re-enter field of relationships/romance/"love." Some girls are not willing to take a risk again or to brave another fall. They have had enough, doesn't matter what enough means. I understand this but what offends me is: Why doesn't my individuality/uniqueness not matter to her? Why can't she take into consideration that I am different? But this is hard to argue because she has already heard many alluring things before by different guys so that she cannot seem to trust any guy now. Her heart has been eroded so much that she's in hiding (that's still her active choice).
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