My "Real" Self

The "real" me in my own opinion is slightly different because I compete with my own self/selves to put out only one Ken that is presentable at a certain time, certain place. This is really difficult because I put on masks consciously and most dangerously, unconsciously. Goffman would say that my behavior merits front stage and back stage behavior with temporary breaks in involvement shields (bathrooms, bedrooms, hallways, alone-time). Some people decide to store their real selves away and reserve it only for their closest friends. The rest of the world will be given their half-ass side which is almost authentic, but is still slightly inauthentic because they don't try and they don't give it their all (sadly they are not required to give their all to anything). I hate it when people don't treat people with equal level of respect or consideration. I know that we cannot treat people equally per se because not everyone is the same, therefore exact equality to every single person (being treated with the very same attitude, etc) is difficult to manage, unless you're stuck in the routinization phase of bureaucracy where everyone is just a cog in the autopoetic machine.

I admit I can be reserved at times, especially when I first meet people for the first time or when I carry myself in a closed way at meetups or open mic events. I am closed off and defensive, you can say. I carry myself with this tight weight upon my body as if I am just passing through, with no intention of being said Hi to or being spoken to. I give off this neutral vibe of inexistence. It's almost as if I don't want to be seen or to be spoken to. I close myself off because I am internally shy and previously damaged by rejection. I want to save face and reduce awkward interaction especially when I think I am being spoken to, but it turns out that I'm not the one the person is speaking to. In order to save face and to save any unwanted interactions, I stay low and make little eye contact. I pretend as if I am not there in the room; I pretend that I am on my way somewhere important and that I should not be stopped by anyone, anything. I feign preoccupation just like New Yorkers on the streets who rush home or speed up to catch their train. They don't wish to be interrupted because they are in the zone, trying to focus on themselves more than anyone else. They want to tune out the rest of the distractions/unimportant/unwanted information.

The real Ken doesn't like to read, doesn't like to do research. The real Ken prefers to satisfy his visual appetite by reading pseudo-scientific articles and books. I have a difficult time focusing because I have split attention syndrome and inability to multi-task. I don't want to try anything new that doesn't have anything to do with my interests. I am self-serving, so anything that is not done in favor of me will be ignored. These are rather selfish ways of living my lyfe, but nonetheless it is my lyfe that I am living and I will continue to please myself at the expense of others. Sometimes I don't think about others, and I do the things that I want.