High Maintenance

I am not prepared for my concert tomorrow: it's as if I'm not even expecting it. I have not contacted my friends or messaged them on Facebook, neither have I advertised my event at all. It's as if the show is nothing more than another venue I am playing. The words just another indicate that I am not going to exert all my effort into this show: whatever will be will be. I will perform as hard as I do when I'm busking in the subway stations. I do not see my performances transcending a certain level whether it be levels of energy or levels of emotions. I have reached the point where I am counting on my friends to make my concerts any better. I know that not all my friends will attend, and many will flake or have change of plans come the day of my show. Therefore I will count on my own fluctuating moods to guide me and hold my interest. I have resigned to not practice the song for Carol and I have impeded all efforts to practice. What is interesting is that once I lay my hands on a guitar and I have my capo on the right fret, my voice follows accordingly and I belch out my emotions. It's amazing what I can do when I am given a guitar, just as they say, give a man unlimited power and look at the slew of possibilities.

I envision the concert tomorrow to be nothing more than an erected stage in the middle of a normal playground. The weather will be alright and most attendants will be part of ACUS and there will be more strangers from the neighborhood moseying in the park. I feel like my job is to perform and nothing more. This creates a barrier because I do not allow myself to connect with the persons involved, the DJ Billy, and my fellow musicians. I think ego is to blame: the ego considers each and every musician unique and worthy of performing there because they were invited to perform. The original invitation confirms their amazing abilities and the fact that they were sought out, not just handpicked randomly. The ego takes this into consideration and immediately the musicians play-focus their attention on themselves for a show that is not larger than life but rather a small-scale show. But they can take this performance to be their last dying show, however I don't think they should treat it as if they are in need of star attention. Every musician was invited for the sole reason: to show off their talents to an audience and it is not a competition, therefore there is no need to be strangers towards each other.

Fridays are strangely confusing because I have no plans and no concept of schedule on Fridays: I do not know it's even Friday and I feel lost because I do not want to do homework (because on the surface I do know it's Friday) and I do not want to be home. These two grave pet peeves will cost me my focus and attention on the most important things--my priorities. I want to busk at Pacific Street so I can show off my talents to Brooklyn Tech kids, primarily the Asian chicks. However I am afraid the cleaning woman will show up and tell me to pack up. I also want to perform at 59 Street Lexington Avenue. The only problem is: it is too crowded there, way too crowded to even make myself heard.

My biggest issue right now is self-identity. I seem to lose a sense of myself and I compensate this loss by purchasing expensive clothing from J.Crew. I indulge myself in expensive unnecessary wardrobes in order to dull the guilt (of not having found an identity for myself) and loss of identity (notice I say that I have not found an identity for myself; I didn't say I haven't found my identity). These distractions are powerful because they exhibit my buying power and they gloss over my insecurities which include my height and my facial features. I am insecure about my height so I buy slim fitted shirts to accentuate my shape; I use hair wax in order to assume a J.Crew haircut; I wear a nice messenger bag in order to mimic a vintaged lifestyle. The fascination with my own wardrobe distracts me from the more important things in life. In fact this is the lifestyle that is characterized by materialistic obsession and a need for self-grooming, ego-stroking.