Senioritis

What can I say? I make myself feel better by believing that girls in SkOoL look at me and give me stares. Perhaps they look at me because they have eyes and they so happen to be looking at me or the poster behind me at the same angle. Perhaps they simply notice me at that millisecond and think nothing more of me. Why must I demand intimacy in a hurried state? Why do I want a relationship so bad? Am I desperate to be loved and to have attention for myself? Am I desperate to be acknowledged because I feel invisible to all my friends. Do I even have any friends? Why don't I consider my close friends important when I feel like shit? Why do I force myself to feel like shit? I served drinks at the Student Mixer today and I felt nothing but awful taste in my mouth. All my lyfe, I have served my fellow students whether it be food, advice, hookups, but when will I be returned the deed? Though it's not a favor, I am tired of playing the matchmaker who matches up couples, but at the end, where is his soulmate? I am impatient and I am tired of waiting.

I can't begin to tell you (the reader) how much I hate my college, my classes, my relationships, my lyfe right now. I can't begin to settle the chatter and constant murmur in my mind. I have tried to assassinate these voices inside my head for the past three weeks but I have been losing sleep and I've been losing memories due to unconscious denial. I lose my shine and I lose my inspiration to go on living my lyfe and doing the things I truly love. I start to question what my passion is and I start to question every little thing I am. I wonder if my JCrew outfit makes me or whether I make my outfit look nice. I become so materialistic and dependent on what others think of me and perceive me to the point that I want to just give up and go to sleep for a while. I want to drop out of class and go on a vacation far far far away in a mystic land full of nothingness. Perhaps the phase I've been living for a while is haunting me. But then again I am a conscious person, fully aware of what I am doing every second: on some levels, I enjoy self-abasement. I like to make fun of myself because I derive other people's pity in this way. I garner the attention served me when I make myself sound low and unworthy similar to a pretty woman who says to a man, "I look fat in this" only to be disagreed with and her ego boosted (unnecessary because she already knows that she is beautiful but she only wants to hear what she wants to hear). Perhaps my Facebook posts "I'm sad"; "I'm so pissed" are exaggerated states of lonesomeness in order to get attention and sympathy via typed messages. Perhaps these small callouts for attention are my ways of feeling better about myself at the end of the day.

I don't bother to text my friends anymore. I don't bother changing my screensaver anymore. I don't bother to use my calendar or to even use my phone anymore. I don't bother to use my notebook or to refer to my notes. I don't bother reading anymore. I just want to absorb in emo music and listen to sappy love songs all day, wishing for the perfect love to come and sweep me away. Because I am under the false impression that I need some loving in my lyfe right now. I need someone to love me because I desperately deserve to be loved, similar to Yasmeen's song "When Will It Be Me?" Her lyrics include "I know that I am worthy of what I`ve been wishing for [love], I can`t wait no more. Love`s nowhere to be found." She is singing that she has been finding love in all the wrong places for her entire lyfe and now she wants to be happy and just wants to be with someone she deserves to love; she deserves to be with someone who will love her. I feel the same way in my situation: I want a nice Chinese girl who will love me for who I am. The biggest obstacle here is the ego. These lyrics are all written by the ego and sung by the ego. The ego believes it deserves as if deservingness is something inherent in being born or something obligated or due. Nothing is due because existentially we have no purpose and no one is obligated to do anything for anyone else. I do not deserve love because some people are not good at math; some are not good at love. Perhaps I commit the same fatal error my ex girlfriend did: I want to love someone. I plainly want to love someone and keep them hostage so that I can give them my love, similar to how I serve people and I give them food and drinks only to expect smiles and happiness in return. Perhaps I commit the same error here. To want love and to give love is as dangerous as a sadomasochistic relationship where there is terroristic love: "Why don't you love me?! I'm awesome, please love me!" This type of love does not survive because it arises foolishly, out of selfishness, not out of genuine spontaneity.

There are types of people who confess their cynicism by believing that everything they do is authentic and that everything they do is pursued by pure honesty and no holds barred. The absoluteness of declaring your honesty is destructive on many levels because it is superficial.