The most important question since first grade is "Do you take your education seriously?" It also relates to the question "Do you take your classes seriously?" I do not take them seriously because I don't read my notes after class and I wait until midterm to look at my chickenscratch handwriting, then I will spend the whole night rewriting my notes and then typing them up and then trying hard to study them before class/the exam starts. I believe that I have detached myself from my studies successfully. Part of the reason is because I feel that I am indebted to myself: I have spent $600 on a new guitar and $400 on a new leather bag. I want to work hard to make up this money by playing guitar in the subway. Whenever I can put my mind to it and my emotional focus I will go out and play guitar. But this dedication and devotion takes not only emotional energy it also takes more than just two, three hours. It takes the entire day to make at least $50 in dollar bills. I am worried if I can keep up this streak and this perpetual worry and consternation makes me feel burdened and weighed down. In some ways when I wear my leather bag I am wearing its weight. This weight is the regret that I have in ultimately purchasing this bag. I am wearing a regret. Everytime I look at it before I go to bed I feel guilty that I have fallen prey to consumerism. No matter how hard my homegirl tells me that the bag is worth the $400, I still feel like a part of me should have saved this $400 up for something more functional, something more worth like 200 meals or for lunch or for dinner with Joe and my friends. In order to compensate for this feeling of loss (losing the $400 which is A LOT of money!) I must wear this bag on my body every single day and I must wear it out so that I get my money's worth. It is amazing what products do to us and how addicted a person can get to bags, jewelry, etc. They make the fatal mistake: they think that the item that want will compensate for their lack which is INTERNAL, but they try so hard to get this item to fill the void only on the external level. Once you have it you want something more expensive, something more luxurious and attractive to the people on the street. The fatal mistake is that we believe that the external handbag we buy will somehow make up a part of the personality we do not contain inside of us. An external material object cannot be spiritual or personal to you in a way that it becomes you. A bag does not become you and you certainly do not become the bag. You simply wear the bag and the bag is your property and it contains your experiences, but the bag is not you and you are not the bag.
I write all my notes on legal pad paper which is easy to carry in my heavyass leather bag. In order to lighten the load I do not bring my literature book to class. But I always carry my scrap notebook ($15 for a small notebook) with me so that I can a) look like a writer/poet; look sophisticated b) write down random ideas that I have which touch me and move me to writing a paragraph or two, maybe even develop into a theory. Sometimes I will pack an umbrella or a light lunch which I have to sit on in order for it to fit into my small leather briefcase type bag. I write all my notes in black ink and I use a pencil to annotate lines in my books I read for class.
My classes are actually rather laidback and interesting. My Race and Ethnicity class is really daunting and wide-eyed because my professor is really animated and narrated by her attitude. Her attitude may not the best and her ego may be shining most of the time but her teaching abilities soar through the roof. She commands the classroom in a bright, loud voice, despite her small, petite 5 foot Asian frame. She is incredibly knowledgeable and she cracks wise jokes all the time. Sometimes she gets really junior-high-schoolish and deploys these staredowns and tones whenever students text on their phone or arrive late. Overall she is amazingly well-versed and well-spoken which makes me enjoy her class. Unfortunately we are not discussing as many topics as I want. In fact we work in groups more often and just listen to her lecture. I am deprived of class participation!
My existential philosophy class is one of my favorite classes for two reasons: I love existentialism and I have a really laid-back, kind, sweet, patient professor. The class did not meet my expectations though believe it or not. There are a lack of attractive Asian girls in my class except for Kate who is shorter and smaller than me, but she said she majors in biochem. That immediately turned me off. She seems incredibly shy anyway so my shyness/awkwardness would only cause her to explode or irritate her. My professor is incredibly slow-spoken which sometimes puts me to sleep. But she is so knowledgeable and so fond of teaching philosophy. That inspires me. Sometimes we go too slow and the students in my class rarely participate or ask worthy/interesting questions. Sometimes the readings are dry and boring, especially Nietzsche. It's interesting how passionate I am about existentialism in my own free time, but when it is part of a course I hardly do the readings and I am not as interesting in reading ASSIGNED MATERIAL. If it is assigned, most likely I will depreciate its value because it's schoolwork. I don't necessarily integrate my spare-time interests with my school subjects. One is optional and the other is for my degree, mandatory.
My English class is Asian American Literature and Culture. So far the class is amazing because I get to hear myself talk a dozen times each other. The awesome part is that my homegirl sits next to me in all my classes and I get to have her company right after class. Immediately after we would abscond to either Lower East Side or elsewhere to chill time away. But most times she flocks to the library and I prepare myself for my internship on Thursdays or my afternoon class at 5:30PM. The English class is great because it features two of the books that I have read. One is my all-time favorite Bone. There is nothing more amazing than reading a book that is my favorite and it also happens to be the book assigned for the class. It makes me appreciate the book more. I also get to do a closer-reading of the book. The class forces me to read it more clearly and to read between the lines. I have made two friends in the class, Steven and this old woman. So far they are simply amazingly inspirational to me. The old woman a little bit too chatty, but still sweet and loving. The sad thing is that the class is incredibly loose in the fact that there are no notes, but fast critical thinking recited by the professor and student answers when he calls on them. Class participation rate is just poor. In this case I do not feel challenged, I do not feel interested. I feel as if I am the only one in the class who can contribute something to the discussion.
My television and media class is horrifying because it takes place once a week and I have a 12 page draft due next Wednesday! I have not yet started at all!!!!!!
My internship class is amazing if the room wasn't so cold. My professor worked in social work for a crazy 40+ years and her experience tells no jokes. She pulls no punches. Her body of information is priceless and her humility, humor, idiosyncrasies, wisdom, kindness is unlimited. I only have good things to say to her because every class meeting she encourages me to be me, to be more relaxed, to be less anxious, to seek therapy if possible, and to pursue my Doctorate's degree in graduate school. She always compliments me that I am smart and talented from the womb, but I have to implement what I have learned and put it to action, put it to work.
Wow, my classes this semester hardly have any writing assignments. I only have two midterms which do not overlap and I have a few Finals. The rest are rather measly papers, except for the bulk draft due in one week. I do not think I should complain even though my internship feels really loose and unstructured given my Tuesday 9 to 5 work schedule resemblance (with no pay at all or compensation) and Thursday 2 hour give and take impromptu attendance. It is hard to really measure what I have learned. I keep a journal but my passion is not necessarily 100% every time I enter the building. I have a weird relationship with my intern site because some days I love it, other days I find it increasingly boring and pointless, menial unwanted, leftover tasks fit for unpaid intern like me. But a class is a class and I am in pursuit of the grade and recommendation letter. Reap and sow. Hopefully.
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