Hmph

Things have completed changed. My niceness and equalitarian viewpoint towards my friends and my equal consideration of every one of them, has faded and receded into forgetfulness. I have forgotten most of my friends and acquaintances. I hardly text anyone. But I still chat with my homegirl, but this is inescapable because we have one class together. I'm beginning to embrace the truth that I currently have Linda and Joe as my close friends. Though Linda may not necessarily be someone I can immediately call up (given the reality that she's busy most of the time), and Joe is not someone I can speak to regularly (because of his English barrier), I do not have someone at my disposal. It is ok, but I wonder what would happen if something were to happen to me. Would they get news of it first? Would they be prompted to action? It's amazing how I sworn at the beginning of the semester to keep in contact with most of my friends. Not only have I failed to text my friends regularly, I have forgotten to think about them or consider them on a daily basis. I am starting to affect this attitude of nonchalance. It seems that I am becoming more and more apathetic towards my acquaintances. I have seen how people can become. People stop saying Hi to you and you slowly stop saying Hi to them. It is awkward at first but at time goes by, you pass by the other person casually and nonchalantly as if you have never met them. And it's ok. That's the best part: it's alright. People walk in and surely walk out of your life. Linda has these feelings of insecurity--she wasn't sure if she should strike up close friendships with people because she feared that sooner or later they would walk out of her life. She started to realize that this way of thinking would hinder her appreciation of life and "going with the flow." Surely it doesn't matter if someone walks out of your life or not; you deserve more and that person is missing out!

You can't care about everything, everyone. I remember my lyrics "You can't be friends with the world." So stop trying to impress everyone and just chill out. Linda loves telling me to "chill out" and "stop acting stupid." She is right--Simmer down and rethink the way things are moving. Take some time to breathe and then gun the engine.

I suppose I am hitting my midlife crisis and I have not enough encountered a future wife or partner yet. I am only 21 and I have begun my midlife crisis. Often times I am told that I am a 21 year old stuck in a 40 year old's body. My mature mentality deals heavy blows on my childish body. Sometimes I wish I could stop thinking with such intellectual depth and stop acting all psychological and philosophical about my life and others around me. Overthinking is still my tragic flaw, and I suspect that it will be my fatal downfall.

I can't say that I'm not looking for a girlfriend. But at the same time I am 50% aware that I am looking for a companion, one who borderlines the sexual tendencies but stills acts with no strings attached. Someone who is a free spirit and will attempt nearly anything for the sake of doing it. I want to meet a girl who will surprise me and make me feel special, because apparently I try to make the world know that I exist. At the end of the day I tried way too hard and the world notices me, however it looks past me because I am not that special and simply just ordinary.

If love is overrated, what exactly are people looking for? Are people even looking for anything? Don't tell me, we have reduced to finding lovers on Plentyoffish dot com or dating websites. Don't tell me that people date in secrecy or in groups. Don't tell me that polyamory is the new trend. If so then this world has transformed not only in technology but also in the understanding of dating and marriage. Perhaps people no longer "officially" get married, they simply cohabit and reproduce. But who would not want to get thousands of dollars per year for filing joint tax returns?! Hey our nation-state is still a welfare state, why shouldn't we milk the system especially when the 1% is drinking all the wealth and absorbing it effectively?

Hmph.