I can't believe I cried today. I have to admit that before I cried I knew that I should let it out. As the singer Kina said in her lyrics, "just let me have a cry." I cried it all out in a single hug with Eli. I haven't cried to a dude in forever, never to be exact. I don't even remember crying in front of my Dad besides when he was beating me or when he was reproaching me verbally. I haven't even cried in front of my homeboy. Interestingly he was sitting behind me and Eli tonight and I am certain he saw me at my lowest. But I know that he knows little about this side of me because I effortlessly portray a strong person to him when we chill out. I almost knew that I would shed tears mostly because my preceding conversation with Beryl triggered something emotional inside of me. When I saw Beryl I asked him where he gets his confidence because he seemed incredibly confident, driven, strong-headed, one-directioned, poised, determined, though sometimes he's pretentiously shaping it as he goes along. I remember when he used his oratory skill to get a Chipotle buy one get one free coupon even after the deal was over. He recommended me a self help pocketbook by Dale Carnegie, a title something like How To Get your Friends to Like You or something like that. Beryl was always the outspoken, unbacking-down kind of person that did not take back his words and silently didn't give a shit about the world, but he downplays all his faults and his awkwardness by moving on with his friggin life. He inspired me to some point especially because both of us are actors who seek refuge inside our little shell that we build.
Speaking of shells, I live inside my head for most of the time, I just realized this. I live inside of my head and continue to live the life of a hopeless romantic who wants to bathe himself in blue nights and a coat of pathetic tint or piteous garb of attention. I don't understand how I have always sought validation from others around me. I can't understand when Eli was telling that he thought I was the last person to need validation from the world. His comments made me incredibly strong and determined to carry on and stand up straight. But for some reason because I have not been acquainted with enough compliments or comforting statements like his, I steered back a bit and became cynical through my drying tears. I retracted my front legs like a dog that was weary of its attentive owner. I got a little defensive as if I didn't need Eli's help or his words. But this is the reaction formation complex part of me which complies with a certain self-defeating complex. I agree with Eli that I have multi-layered thoughts and processes going on like a chest of gears winding and revolving effortlessly without oil. The self-defeating part of me loves to self-loathe and to self-abash myself. This part of me (which is me; Sartre dispels Freud by making Freud stupid; he states that the Id, Ego, and Superego are all part of You, how can they ever be separate Freud?!) loves to come full circle and disparage myself in front of others and mostly in front of myself. It loves to fail and to fall miserably only to collect hugs and pats from others around me as a cushion for normality. This backwards notion probably began when I accepted failure and taunt during my junior high school years when I was heavily bullied and picked on and physically hurt by upper graders. I think that my constant urge to give up and my earnest memories of failure have cultured me to admit my own failure, to the point where my failure becomes attractive to myself and it becomes normal to fail. Because I believe it is normal to fail, it later becomes cool and admissible to fail; this tendency to self-defeat and to feel miserable about myself became a practice of normality.
The reaction formation complex part of me simply translates things into its mere opposite and diffuses situations by turning them on their heads. This reaction formation occurs as a defense mechanism most activated when in the position of defending myself especially when I feel like things have become personal. When Eli told me that I am a fine, intelligent, talented man with such heart I felt patronized, and pitied as if my tears translated into Please help me by saying nice things to me and by placating my sorrows I have exuded just now. I felt like I have asked for pity. Because I have not received too many compliments in the past ten years I felt intensively distanced and in disbelief that anyone would offer me something good or say something good about me. I was so suspicious that I completely blocked off Eli's words, causing a reaction formation which questioned him unconsciously, Why would you say these things to me? You don't know me like that? What gives you the total right to tell me I'm a good person? Of course I'm a good person. These split-second thoughts raced through my head. My consequent answer was more secondhand than natural, which was a thank you and a total appreciation. I won't lie, it definitely inspired me and sent a surge of renewal that I desperately needed after a night of missing friends and unanswered expectations. If anything, Eli sparked me to think about my future and to think about how we will fight our way through life to see the sun. No more dark spots because just as it took a lot for Eli to come out of his swamp, it will take me the same effort and courage to swim out of my gully.
Now that I think about it, I cried because everything that had occurred to me in the past two months built up inside of me, into this combustible molotov cocktail that went off. It chose to go off in front of Eli mostly because of his humility bubbling from his austere and chill personality brimming from his determined features like his eyebrows and his deep eyes that give entrance into a world of emotions I similarly navigate. The first time I met Eli I refuted him as a smart alec on the day I volunteered for my last USG Thanksgiving Dinner. It wasn't until we did the midnight runs on the rainy, soggy night that Eli would become someone I would not forget. He became a person of integrity and mostly, of humility and warmth ebbing not in obvious amounts but in subtle reception. The way Eli kept his cool in the mean rain and the way he smiled, I was certain that his heart told a river of tales unphased by the tides or currents. The same way Eli's poems told me that he shares a part of my hopeless romantic take on life as well. He yearns for that special someone to share his life with and to give warmth and nothing but love to. The way Eli's coaxed me tonight was a gift that set this night apart from all other nights I lived vicariously through USG events. Tonight I was unafraid to withhold my emotions and I was unafraid to be uninhibited. The reason I volunteer for all these USG events is because I have always wanted to be integrated into the Hunter community but because of Hunter's nature of being a "commuter school," community was always a myth. To make myself not believe in this myth I dabbled with USG members and pretended I knew everything there is to know about Hunter and I pretended that I could go anywhere and slip past security anytime I want. Most of the times the events became my happiness and I substituted my friends' happiness for my happiness. This didn't fair well in the long run, especially when of it crumbled like a house of cards tonight.
It was clear that my highass expectations of being appreciated were not answered mostly because my participation and relationship to USG was evanescent, a fog-like presence that Ben, Jarret, Gwen acknowledge only when I appear around them or fervently ask about what time the events are being set up. It is only at these times that I do pop up at the office, other times I don't show up at the office at all. I don't expect a plague, so lately I realized that helping USG would become a form of vicarious enjoyment and happiness and integration into the Hunter community. Little by little I accumulated snippets of memories and moments that became my Hunter album of memories. These moments serving popcorn, handing out flyers, tabling, giving out tickets, and serving food, became my moments of connecting to my friends and colleagues. By the end of the night I would count the Thank yous and the faces that I have smiled to. In the back of my head I would praise myself for having known so many Hunter students and for making so many girls smile. But when I lie down in bed that night I know that these girls I will never see again and they will not message me. This intense feeling of invisibility and surface-approval penetrated me and it has not stopped. I always feel like the girls I talk to are taking me for a freeride and taking advantage of me. But they never take me seriously and converse with me outside of school. They see me as the nerd who helps them ace their class, but never the chill guy to hang out with once classes are over. Always the one on the sidelines but never summoned onto court.
I built a world of vulnerability around me when I thought that it was an iron fortress. I have clearly set myself apart from others by making things more complicated than they should be. For one thing, I seek the pity and the sympathy of others unconsciously, and on some not-so-distant levels I actually welcome the pity and the sympathy rained upon me. I build this world of have-not-everything for myself and coerce myself to face self-defeat. I continue to live in a state of perpetual disappointment where I am constantly failing to talk to women and constantly missing opportunities and accumulating regrets before the semester ends for good. For some reason the sadness is what characterizes me and if that is what makes me me then I continue making myself sad. If the essence of me is emotional then I shall make myself emotional by being unfulfilled and empty.
I had expected Linda to show up tonight, I had saved food for her. I was hoping that we would catch up, but she didn't show up or answer so I assumed she headed home. Julianna and Pam showed up but they left pretty early. Linh showed up and she always brings a smile to my face and this is because she smiles pretty wide and she is jubilant around others. The most heartbreaking fact was that Diana could not join me and Hien could not join me. Hien could not join me; I remember telling her that I would bring her to Hunter as she has never been to any CUNY school or any school in NYC area besides her LIU buildings. But Hien is back home awaiting her internship. At the same time I cried because I realized that my distance with her only symbolized the distance between me and my other friends, the natural increase of distance that would sever communication once next week passes and all classes become a thing of the past. I cried because I knew that I would never see these people again, I would never see these beautiful faces again. I cried because I expected so much more tonight, but instead I disappointed myself by being disappointed in the first place. I cried because I expected to find a dream girl and I cried because I know that once classes end I will never venture back to Hunter and find a potential love or soulmate ever again.
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