I had a conversation with my fellow director-writer Henry few moments ago. Let me confess many more things I did not tell Henry given my extreme sensitivity (losing friends that can help me get higher in social climbing ladder) and low self-esteem (criticism is dangerous to me at all levels but i still ask for it). First of all I address Henry as a "fellow" to cancel out any feelings of jealous-envy. The leveling scheme in psychology here is used in terms of projection. I admire Henry in many ways just as I dislike him in many ways because he is competitive and extremely doggone about his passion. I on the other hand lack any empowerment and will power to do films. I fail to accept the reality that I stopped auditioning last MAY 2010! I did not do a single slab of meaningful shit since then. This also cancels out the work that I did for Henry, offending his film in a way because I just typed "meaningful shit." All these words that come freely dictate the power and jealousy that produces opposites. By telling Henry that he should stop sending me videos is a single gesture obviously meaning "Stop being so good"; it obviously says to him "I hate your guts because you're BETTER THAN ME." I cannot hide that so I need to stop hiding it and admit GENUINE feelings which I still can't do...sad. YES I AM TRYING TO PUT HENRY DOWN. All these calm things I say after I criticize him..."Cool...you got good points there..." are ways to be INDIFFERENT. This indifference only HELPS ME DENY the fact that I did not tell him the TRUTH i said i was going to say. Sad. Now I feel like shit when ppl walk over me. But I feel almost close to nothing when I walk over people, UNTIL THEY TELL ME I've walked over them. I'm certainly not their friend. If anything I am their hater and haters deserve what they need...I won't say what they deserve but it isn't good whatever they get later in life. :(
I can take a stab here and there: "You're an ok actor"; "Not so good." But I do set myself up for those expectations to be shot through the heart. I have such inflated expectations of myself because I hold myself in a certain light and I always expect to be the same. Being the same affords the personality of a stone wall--never changing and certain, sure. No one likes to be unsure as it causes anxiety--this is controlling mechanism. I subtly invite this negative attention through negative politeness ("If you're bored you can check these videos out" = check these videos out now!) There is nothing straight that comes out of my mouth. I always distort things to my liking, meaning I know what I want very clearly in every action that I do. But I sugarcoat these expectations so that they suit me best meaning every action is advantageous to me; you can say that I use people as means to an ends therefore making me duplicitous in subtle and rather useless ways (to pat my ego on its back). I always save face. "Please watch my videos when you're bored and if you're not busy thanks much!" = I'm sorry to bother your studying but please watch my videos now, even if it's just two seconds of seeing my face and hearing my voice." You get what I try to do. It becomes lower than slave to implore or invoke unwanted attention especially at the [wrong place,] wrong time.
On webcam last night I spoke about my distant friend Charlene and insulted her as "loudmouth, annoying, energizer bunny, hyper, random" behind her back. She was in the room the whole time and heard me badmouth about her to her cousin I was hitting on. I tried to defend myself by telling her that I don't hate her. She attacks me, "Then why did you say all these things a million times tonight?!" Quality vs quantity. I cannot cover up such a lie--I really do hate her on some levels. The "on some levels" is a defensive mechanism. I get defensive really easily it is almost instinctive--this derives from the paranoia complex which thinks that the world is against me simply because the world revolves around me. This is characteristic of a narcissist. I'll gladly not admit I'm a narcissist because I do care for others and spend time with them 98% (It's not 100% caring because I chose to quantify my care level, so this is suspicious as well).
E.G. Me: What did you think of my movie?
Friend: It was not so good, the acting could have been better, a lot better.
Me: Well we only had three hours to shoot it, in the movie industry you need at least two days...blah blah blah...cameras need to be cleaned...blah blah blah.....
This is a prime example of defense mechanism and a hurt ego-pride. I feel stunted by her reaction therefore I bring up objective things to overcome her subjective results which happened to be what she gave me to answer my very question. This is irrational--I wanted her opinion and she gave it very clearly, but her opinion was NOT something I wanted to hear-- (it is her OPINION afterall!) it wasn't something that matched my ego-pride's self evaluation. Therefore defense wall is raised and I bring in these absolutely obvious reasons why three minutes pertains to bad acting. This defeats the whole purpose of having a conversation because one person dominates the other for self-serving purposes.
I get jealous very easily. It becomes a quasi-defense mechanism so deeply embedded in me that I cannot get rid of a habit so easily. But being that it's a habit does not justify its existence in one's personality if it comes up and disrupts social processes and one's social lyfe in general. I do a lot of mental coping and ego grooming in public every second. I do this on the train and in SkOoL. My ego cannot be disappointed because it seems to radiate this sense of self-respect the other parts cannot produce. However, self-respect does not come from the ego. Self-respect has nothing to do with the ego! The ego is one thing: self-serving, me me me me me. Oh and ME. This doesn't take into consideration self respect which is dignity in the face of other jealous-envious forces.
There are countless examples in which I get jealous of someone very easily. This leads me to reaction formations where I may talk to this person even more and associate with them in fake manner, almost obsequiously.
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