It's been 2 weeks since I switched to Simple Mobile and so far it's great except for snail signal reception. But I am beginning to hearken Sherry Turkle's far cry "We are all alone together..." I feel increasingly alone when I text my friends. I wait all day just for the phone to chirp and let me know that I am worthy of their time. I stare longingly at my phone for texts to pour in. But these texts sound so impromptu. They come from the side of the heart, not direct center.
My expectations for friendship are so high. Somehow I think about my close friends every day and from time to time. I envision my friends Linda and Joe carrying on with their lives, whether they're walking down their block to their home in carefree manner or going to work in all their unclear paths I still wonder. Sometimes I recline and I ask myself, do you think they ever consider me the same way? Do they think about me from time to time? Why do I expect this? I keep up with my friends. I want to , at least. I don't want to be pushed aside and become part of the leftovers or spare fruit that is needed as backup. I don't want to be backup friend period. I want to be asked to spent time with sincerely, not because you have no one else at your disposal. I don't want to be temporary friends for rent. I want to be friends full-time, not part-time. Being a friend is a full-time offer and it is that which proves the genuine friendship. Full-time consideration and selfless contribution.
An example of this would be during conversation: friends should know each others' basics, very nuanced basics of each other such as age, birthday, favorite things, favorite places, family background and mom/dad jobs, and most importantly, keeping up with current events surrounding one's well-being which includes parties, events, chillouts with neighboring friends. The ability to voice freely about other friends without backstabbing one another is gold because privacy can be introduced in a friendship. All the private can be entrusted upon friends and hopefully reciprocation occurs in same fashion. However, this is volatile because sometimes we get stuck on questions or in phrasing certain sentences. When my friend asks me how my day was, I assume that he knows that I had a party because I told him that last night, or beforehand. I assume that he knows what I did or he imagines what I would have done today by speculating on what I told him previously. If he has no clue then I am forced to think that he didn't care or didn't consider me throughout the day because he plainly forgot about my plans for the day. This can be begot by memory loss or faint memory reduction. Atrophied memories and withered parts of memory can force inability to recall. But I wholeheartedly believe in deserving consideration. Unfortunately the greatest argument is no one deserves anything, but you must fight for it.
I am tired of waking up every morning and wishing for friends to hang out with. I am tired of being myself in which I despise every part of myself only to shop at J.Crew to accessorize myself with a false, easy identity. I am tired of staying up all night and having inner conversations that I cannot voice to my friends and family. I am tired of having such high expectations for a lover, a friend, a homeboy/homegirl. I am tired of not having things work out my way and I am tired of real life. I want to escape. I don't know how to though. Please help me.
Message Deleted.
I want to deaden these impulses to find self-love and to find acceptance. How can I expect others to accept me for who I am when I cannot and have not accepted myself for who I completely am and who I am not. I long for self-abnegation but my ego is putting up the strongest fight. It protests without stop and it adamantly depletes my self-esteem. Somehow, if I am not feeling important or self-righteous, I become invisible, unseen, unheard, and unimportant. Self-esteem and dignity dance together but as gracefully they tango, they burn successfully hand in hand.
I've been dropping curt messages to my friends on AIM like "I'm not in the mood to talk, I'm sorry..." This is selfish because I only think of myself when I use the word "I" this and "I" that. Instead of eliciting the help of my "friends", I avoid them by logging off and shielding myself from unfavored persons of interest. However, I allow unmanaged messages to come from a few women. When I say that I don't feel like talking, I want to recede into myself, my problems and deal with it on my own. Haphazardly I ask for sympathy implicitly by playing up pity and learned helplessness. My friends coax me by returning "Are you ok? Tell me about it." Stereotypical questions lead to personal advice but I dodge their words and remain adamant, stubborn, closed to advice. Closed to their intimate words of healing when healing is what I had just asked for. Unless it is pity and sympathy that I wanted, I am pathetic for asking for their time when I don't respect their personal advice and thoughts centered towards me. The ego is strange because it wants to be stroked and fanned, but when it receives information, it must be information that it wants to hear. Tell me something I don't know because I only want to hear what I want to hear. You only hear what you want to hear. Anything else is foreign and shunned.
The truth is not everyone is going to like you. I take this to heart. I make outlandish mistakes that cost friendships and family heartache but I continue to create myself taking these faults into consideration now and later. I don't block them out and not learn from them. I have learned that honesty is the best policy and that any lie is an immoral thing. Unfortunately telling truth is not any better than telling a lie when truths only infect the wounds more. But telling the truth needs to be respected as a form in itself. When I tell my friend things like you need to return to SkOoL or you should brush your teeth, I do it with front-moving intention to better them, not to deprive them or to attack them. I want to make sure that my intentions are good, pure, pristine. I want to tell truths that are not sugar-coated. I want to learn to be a better person. I hope that my reputation does not tarnish because there are those who do love me, or in times like these, I want to know that there are people who love me for my tragic flaws and for my momentary brilliance. For the time being, I have not let go of my ego because I am scared once again. I am single, ambitionless, forlorn about the future, deprived of a direction, and completely confused as to who I am, and who I want to be.
Speaking of telling the truth, I wish friends can tell each other that they've been hanging out way too often and any sense of independence has been replaced by co-dependence or strict interdependence. The need for air is integral to any relationship. The need to not be symbiotic is key to maintaining a lasting, healthy relationship pursued by honesty and integrity. I wish I can tell my friends that I don't want to attend their party not because I do not like them or their guests, but because I want to spend the time by myself. However there are many mini "lies" that hide behind this sentence. The ability to be clear with yourself is to embrace the immediate inner thoughts at the moment of conception and the moment they are formed, to listen and to acknowledge them. And most of the time, they are not what I want to hear.
By the time I throw myself onto my bed and kill the light in my room, I drown in the stillness of my thoughts, slowly condensing and forming. I talk to myself in my head and I ask myself for a better tomorrow, only knowing that tomorrow is a repeat episode where the writer has a monotonous opening similar to his previous episodes, but somehow his climax and endings are always unimaginable. When I awake I have this throbbing of confusion. Why am I awake again? Didn't I wake up yesterday with the same gross taste in my mouth, with the same habit of wearing my eyes clear, and getting up to patronize the toilet? Didn't I eat breakfast the day before in the same fashion and didn't I slip on these underpants notoriously needy of cleaning?
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