I've been worrying about my outfit lately. I've been extremely hyper aware of myself and my surroundings. I'm attuned to my surroundings a little too much. It is similar to when I imbibed too much coffee on the day that I only had three to four hours of sleep. The lack of sleep mixed with the surge of caffeine high made for a deadly dose of extreme hyper awareness. But this hyper awareness faded away at certain points when I found myself either crashing or dozing off. I also seemed to have said things that irked people or turned them off (awkward). Hyper awareness seems to be the constant condition I've been in since I began dolling myself up in order to hide my physical insecurities.
When I pass a row of cars, I not only am tempted to see if there are any drivers in the front seat (this tests my bad eyesight), but I'm also tempted to check my appearance. I've become so vain I can't help but admit. I wonder if other people notice it too. I've become so aware of my physical appearance that it seems I've mitigated caring about my internal sides. I've stopped grooming my internal self and focused more on the external self. I feel this will lead to a compensatory process of external self grooming that succeeds any internal grooming which is definitely in more of a groom than my external.
I saw a video of Berkeley students streaking through the library and I immediately thought to myself, Why am I not in Berkeley? Whose idea was it? I wondered if other colleges were able to assemble this because it would definitely be an amazing feat. It would cause such an uproar and it would be incredibly titillating experience. I want to join my fellow college students in streaking especially before Finals or after because it alleviates the stress and it provides a rush of adrenaline when there's collective action. And the collective action is something brazen and audacious. This simply blows my clothes off because it defies all laws and it is testy to the max. This turns me on not only because I can admire my fellow college mates naked but I can also see if there are any Asian students participating. Simply put, when all our fears are subsided, anything can occur. And this anything is streaking in a college.
Back to my ease of self. I've become more open, more conversational and probably more confident. On the outset that is. I'm only confident at the start but then I begin to seem frayed and gnarled in my sentences. I become ostensibly frightened and self-aware. I was speaking to a Barnes and Nobles patron today and asked him for his opinion if he thought philosophy was a useful, pragmatic tool for the job market. I seemed to have approached him knowing that he would respond a certain way. He didn't surprise me because he agreed that philosophy was feckless but it nourishes the mind. What didn't strike me was his slow and subtle leaving of our conversation, which was initially my conversation because I started it with him. Whenever these situations occur, I wonder if I should spare the other person face. Let's say that they started a conversation with me and it became awkward (regardless which side made it awkward), I always fear if he would become conscious of others around him watching, and whether he fears that he loses his face in the eyes of others. If so I should spare him the misery of watching himself talk to a weird, strange, unamusing person who is trying to sound smart but only pulling his own pants down in the process. Or am I lacking confidence? As I read my previous sentence I am led to believing that I am not confident about myself. If I'm confident, would I even have these very feelings? Would I unravel myself as a clientele of low confidence and low self esteem. Remember, low self-esteem is unattractive and so is self-loathing.
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