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I'm not going to say that change comes that easy as if I snap my fingers and I'm a new person (opposed to writing a new man). It is daunting to find inner peace especially when I do not let myself attain that inner peace, or let alone understand what inner peace means. But the more I inspect words, the more hollow they are which makes me deconstruct them according. Yes, love has so many meanings for every individual, so I guess inner peace has varied meanings as well. It has been a week since I started this change and I have to admit: I've fluctuated. I have slight compunctions about my continual pathological lying, my staunch bigotry, and my anger-outbursts. This elaborates on my anger management issue which results from my inability to get what I want, and the inability to experience or to achieve independence, whatever this means to me.

Pathological lying is the necessary defense mechanism that unconsciously occurs when I'm placed in a situation where my "ego" is attacked and I have to defend my dogmatism. Bigotry is devotion to self-righteousness and a dogmatic shrugging of other people's ideas around you in defense of your own for selfish, prideful reasons. Some people are very prideful upon first contact. I'm not slamming pride because some celebrities, not all, have more than social network that got them there initially. They worked their butts off to get to where they are. Now, cynics would say, yeah ok. But remember if you were not in their shoes, you will never know or comprehend their tier-climbing.

On another note, I fully believe that you are influenced by the people around you. Generally speaking, "birds of a feather flock together." We seek affinity with people who are more like us. I seek affinity with actors and songstresses. It is interesting how I am influenced by my colleagues at my internship. The night that Matt took me to Flushing High School with him was a night that I got to understand the way Matt saw things and I got to really penetrate his ego which had rubbed me in the wrongest of ways. It turns out that Matt is incredibly smart. And I'm not thinking this way because he has ushered me in a different direction, but I am considering this because I was open to him that night and I was open to allowing myself to see his worth and intellectual abilities. Being surrounded by Abigail and Matt makes me want to be more aware of the world and to read newspapers more often. To simple read again and to enjoy what I read. Of course enjoying is a different story in its own, but if I put in the effort, will "enjoyability" follow? Will I begin to enjoy it even for a bit? Does quantity matter in enjoyment? How do you quantify joy?

I miss my junior high school current events homeworks. Each week our class had to clip out an article and summarize it briefly. That was such an enlightening exercise because it required me to cull information from a newspaper. This nourished my fascination and reliance on newspapers. Sadly it does relate today because newspapers have become antiquated. Sometimes I sport a New York Times on the train to look important, rich, and super-educated, otherwise newspapers have become a hurdle than a convenience.