Jamie's smile ("All smiles and rainbows when you're with Jamie"; Jamie tries her best to cheer her friends up when they are sad and downtrodden) lit up my afternoon. To think that my day would be lethargic--not a chance! I was energetic as ever, especially sleeping a full ten hours! (Thanks Daylight savings!)
My call for change was impelled by ego-reaching comments Karen made on Facebook. She became extremely critical and extremely dogmatic in her analysis of my friends' comments on Facebook. She is not obligated to treat the comments in a certain way, and neither am I allowed to quell her debates, because I am the one who started the debates from the get go. It was clear that her ego reached my ego and I exploded. As a result, I have avowed to renounce this part of me that I call "Ego" which Sartre says is ridiculous because the ego is still part of you, so why would you be like Freud and classify it as something where the vices are contained. Why would you ever denounce the ego because by denouncing the ego you are denouncing your own self because the ego is wholly part of the self!! Of course for me, Karen represented not only an intellectual state of armchair philosophy that my coworker Matt argued about, but she also put forth objective remarks at a high rate which prompted reminders of myself---therefore I avow to break down the whole idea of objectivity. In its place is subjectivity and opinion relativism where anything goes because they are assertions. I should learn to chillax more and not be offended by someone else's ego. Of course my homegirl is helping me with that. "You need to be more like me, Ken: chill out, be carefree." Linda's right: why take life so seriously?
Epiphanic renewal feels incredibly amazing that I could finish my essay in school with Linda (studying side by side each other in unison and sharing our homeworks). I drafted a three page essay on draft paper and it took me a good hour and a half. This was the quickest I wrote my essay. Then again, I had read the material before and I had a good grip of it. It was simply amazing how I could embrace the company I had with Linda and extract all the focus juices while being with her. There is this warmth that I know I rests between us as friends. Sometimes I may just put more weight in the friendship than I need to. Sometimes it doesn't necessitate bond, bonds just build naturally over time, as emotions naturally seep and represent the friendship. The friendship is tangible in many ways that it is not, because emotions are carried out by nonverbal communication. Active listening and "simply being there" for friends is invaluable.
What is this epiphany that I had? I realized that my increasing body of knowledge is didactic insofar that I employ it in a pragmatic, practical way. Housing so much knowledge, accumulating so much information is great as brain tease, but having no one to share it with increases this sense of postmodern cynicism and distrust in the rest of my fellow college peers. I become more uptight because my intellectual abilities are heightened and I believe that other people should be like me---I basically project a kind of expectation on others to be more like me---educated and firm in knowledge. This is simply ridiculous because it is not about me. It is not always about me. I should stop being the center of my own universe and realize that there are many people out there who do more than just study philosophy and philosophize. Though my standards of finding a girl who studies a lot and churns out knowledge/facts via rote memory is quite interesting and romantic for daydreams, it is simply ridiculous to let that guide my search for a potential girlfriend. It is impractical if you look at the time and place theory. There is a time and place to philosophize--a classroom is where it is done and people won't think you are being a showoff. Outside of class people tend to think you are sloppy. This is the general public. No one is saying that we should listen to what other people think about us, because we don't know what people around will think. But the "people" I refer to are the ones who are indirectly involved with us, such as friends of friends. No friend of a friend would like to believe that their future-friend is a showoff, and nothing more than a walking dictionary who likes to show his knowledge off to others. Clearly the person isn't sharing knowledge, he's just funneling it. He's showing off! Some things are obvious and showing off is an obnoxious thing that is obvious. I avow to get rid of that.
"Be the change you want to see." If I want to make a difference, I will start off by being the role model and the key leader in change. If I want others to follow suit, I must be the model of my own proposed behavior. Nobody likes a hypocrite or a white liar who is guilty of having cognitive dissonance. Nobody wants to know somebody with a body of contradictions. Excessive contradictions.
For the first time in my life I did not sweat on the train and I did not make myself unnecessarily nervous. In fact I took it easy the entire day. I was mentally calm and mentally focused, step by step, moment by moment I was clearly attuned to my surroundings and I was cognizant of my atmosphere. I read a few books at Barnes and Nobles and I can still remember some sentences from the books I glimpsed. When I am extremely focused I can really get in touch with myself and seep into the books I'm reading or absorb myself in the moment or the activity, body and soul. This is simply difficult to achieve because I am distracted most of the time, too busy carrying about what others think of, and about me.
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