Keeping it Real (Or trying to)

In a way I admire Thomas because his blogs are synchronized and he has topic sentences. When I write I tend to be incredibly random, agitated, fidgety, and ADD. I tend to freewrite and my sentences become narration, moving from oxymoronic phrases and doublespeak/euphemisms to witty narrative statements. This is hard for me to follow when I read my entries a few days after I have written them. When I read Thomas's post, there's no question that I know he highlights the most important thoughts in his head.

This issue happens with my essay writing. I submit fabulous essays for my college professors. But when I get them back, I often have issues with syntax, grammar, and organization. I even have bad flaws with my thesis. My message seems to dwindle and my paper strays away from my argument, if I even make an argument in the first place. This is a shocker because I usually write my papers last minute which leaves no room for critical reflection and most importantly, critical revision. I have no room for revision and editing which leaves me in danger! The paper that I write seems to be marvelous after I have done it maybe because of the thrill of having finished the paper and giving it my all. That is giving it my all under pressure and discounting quality for quantity. It seems that I lose track of my argument and keep writing what I think is the thesis meanwhile my actual writing reflects my internal thoughts and not my literal thesis that is on the paper. When I revisit the thesis at the very end and when I craft my conclusion I usually highlight the thesis in my head, and not in the introduction. Even if I read the actual thesis on my paper I will think something else and it will not reflect the actual typed thesis in my paper. This illusory process of success and completion of essay is a mishap especially when working under pressure. Quantity is placed over quality because time is such a huge pressure and unfortunately these papers suffer in quality of content. It's funny how I criticize other people's writing while I haven't taken proper time to read my essays and to critique my own. That is usually when English professors ask you to switch essays with your peers and have them grade your paper. Your biases and overlooks will be avoided because you're not rereading it or revising it. Often times I believe that my writing is the shit, but when other people read it and do not get the gist of it (they are not me writing it), they can critique it adequately or "objectively."

I've been having mancrushes on Dan and on English writer Simon van Booy. I watched his interview on Youtube and I realized his English accent is simply too sexy to resist. His facial structure and jawbone is rather subtle to resemble a youthful James Taylor/sleeker, refined Johnny Depp. I've been crushing on Simon because of his novels mainly and of course his initial photograph in the back of the book. Simon's writing is simply amazing, simply fantastic! I aspire to become a writer but of course a writer is in line with an actor, a painter, an artist. So many writers exist in NYC alone. I see hipsters writing on the trains with hipster reading glasses, etc. They have the whole shebang going on with leather-bound journals. What makes me think that my writing is anything up to par. Again, competition is burgeoning, with or without me.

Does that mean I'm scared of competition, that I'm fearful of competition. In a way yes. I am fearful of it because I don't want my efforts to be in vain. I cite the maxim "Why should I even try if I know I will fail?" But what I don't know is that I will fail. I am already impressing upon myself negative thoughts and possibilities so that I can skip trying, so that I can be lazy and not even try at all. I've been thinking about taking the GREs but I still feel really uncertain and unwilling to study for the exam. I had told myself that I will not take the GREs and I avoid it at every cost because I want an easy entrance to Hunter School of Social Work. I even admitted to my friends that I sought the easy way out in college. I certainly did, by checking professors before registering on Ratemyprofessor dot com, and I ingratiate myself with my professors by chatting them up after class. I suck up to get my 3.9 grade. I admit that I also study semi-hard, but I can't say that I have worked extremely hard compared to the hard work that Bio and chem studies have to endure. They make love to their textbooks night and day, memorizing 100+ bones in the body and 100+ terms. It's simply unbearable to even think about. Then again it must be wincing for them to consider sociological theory. Some people are science people like some Asians are math people. Others not.

I have two crushes at the moment: a girl from my English class and a girl from my Philosophy class. This is interesting because one of them is White. This is a shocking because I usually have yellow fever and I have a certain tendency to fall head over heels for Asian women. This term I vowed to expand my horizon and to seek multicolored fish.