Epiphanic Tuesday

Dad tried to pry me off of bed this morning, driving home the message that my reputation at my internship spot needed to change: I needed to be forever punctual. My typical mornings would be grouchy and achy and punctuated by sudden yawns, but this morning I was ready as ever to meet the day and carpe diem. This morning I had a full seven hours of sleep, and Dad was not mumbling about how my behavior should change and that I should stay home more often. Whew! Thank God I was spared the morning stress. I felt incredibly invigorated and ready to head to internship---most impressively I greeted my co-worker Matt and my coordinator Abigail with umph and smiles like never before. My positive attitude comes at a time when nihilistic tendencies and cynicism is perceived to be rampant and infectious.

Though cynicism and nihilism is noticeable among my peers, I can say that A, it takes a nihilistic/cynical person to notice cynicism and B, it takes such a person to infect others with the pervasiveness of cynicism. Cynicism travels by emotional contagion: it is like any emotion--it colors your entire world and your friends call you a Debbie Downer or a negative person.

I was the first to realize that living under the arms of nihilism (loss of meaning in life; Cornel West states that nihilism is responsible for the destruction of struggle because if the struggle has no meaning then there is no reason to struggle for something because there is nothing) was simply self-destructive and nefarious to all my life projects (Sartrean theory of individual projects). Why must I live in the laps of darkness, clinging to emo music, claiming myself a hopeless romantic, rolling around in self-loathing tendencies, and self-debasing myself for attention? Why must I surround myself with this self-created vulnerability? Besides the very pitiful fact that misery loves company and I am seeking the same types of people---that's why I seek women who want to be saved, because they seem miserable in their artifice. Sartre says that people make themselves sad, and they actively do this for self-interest. Aha! That's what I do. Apparently I fake sadness/loneliness so that I can elicit attention. In a way this is similar to Chuck Palahniuck's idea of creating choking scenes in order to be saved, except he does it for money (Choke by Chuck Palahniuck). It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I come to believe my own creation that I am sad and that I am a hopeless romantic.

The first step to getting out of meaninglessness is to destroy the very meaninglessness that lives in the cracks of indecision and idleness. Truth be told: this semester is simply a breeze for me because I only had ONE MIDTERM and ONE EXAM. I have a few short papers and one burdensome paper that I half-way finished, why should I hover over myself and have so much imagined-pressure? It's simply feckless to stress and to push myself for nothing substantial.

Today I got rid of my imagined pressure and learned to be like my homegirl: I learned to be carefree and to breathe through my nostrils.

I avow to not leave Thomas behind because I have left him behind under the caprices of busy homework days. I cut corners with most of my friends. YES, some people can manage juggling their social life with their education/career lives. I want to be that guy, not out of uniqueness, but out of self-induced goal, to change so that I can juggle social and education life. I want to be able to feel this sense of accomplishment.

The wounds are not deep, and I am definitely not being idealistic or naive or retreating to have my heads up in the clouds. I am sincerely carefree and loosened. I prefer it this way and I'm giving into it because ... well, why would I ever want to return to my elder state of loneliness and cynical mindset? It's pointless!

Back to internship! =)