When I post a Note on my Facebook or write on my blogger, I spam my friends, eager for them to click on my link and read my writing. Unfortunately I return no favors and make no effort for reciprocity. When they send me their essays to edit or Word documents with random essays, I shy away from them. In fact I don't even read them at all. I slowly find out why. This is because I am selfish. Whatever is not about me, I treat it as less important, unimportant. So when the writing does not mention me, I disregard it. When there's a post and I am tagged in it, I press CTRL+F to find my name, frantically pawing through the document to see my name and read about what the other person wrote about me. This behavior confirms the looking glass self theory in which I am a social actor who depend on the opinions of others to mold me. Also when I read stories my friends send me, I usually become uninterested and bored. I believe this is because I am biased towards authentic writing vs. noob entries. I am biased towards unpublished, unadorned writing that do not exist as actual books in a bookstore. When I enter Barnes and Nobles I find books with fancy, ostentatious covers under "New Hardcover" section. This legitimizes the books' authenticity and gives it aesthetic flavor that I fall prey to. But when my friends send me a Word document, its bare words and white background do not appeal to me; I am uninterested because I value "real" writing that is on Barnes and Nobles bookshelves as more worthy of my time and being read. This is simply irrational and selfish. This is irrational because I concern myself a writer, but at the same time I fail to read any piece of literature and automatically assume that "professional" writing is worth my time. This is a fallacy that makes me close-minded and unopen to creativity from other aspiring writers.
So I decided to drop out of the social circuit and fade into invisibility. I would convert myself into academic intellect, firmly resembling a professor with exaggerated, unshaven beard and unkempt hairstyle that would warrant immediate protest and boycotting. Again I commit a contradiction: I have always employed Cooley's looking glass self theory especially on the train. I expect to garner attention everywhere I go. I dress for the attention of women and occasionally Asian males who I perceive to be "lesser than" me. I see Asian "fobs," immigrants, nerds, geeks as less than I am and I want to show them off by reading on the train or having a nice outfit against theirs. But I have decided to not care about my outer looks; I've resolved to not care. So I got home and manually tore up my sweater--now it resembles a rag with holes in it. It seems that I have contradicted myself. I said that I wanted to not care about my appearance, but what I did was manipulate my appearance so that persons would see me differently. This is only confirming the looking glass self theory. I am still seeking attention of others around me. I perpetuate this cycle of attention-seeking. I have only made a subtle excuse to dress like a homeless person, but this attention-seeking I am doing comes at the expense of my reputation. But again attention is seeked for attention's sake. It doesn't matter if I garner good or bad attention, any attention is self-serving and is desirable.
There are persons who like to talk so they can hear themselves. This is self-serving, egotistic behavior which serves to build up a person's confidence due to their incredible lack of self-confidence and inexistence of self-respect. Sometimes I dwell on a subject and talk for an extended period of time which bores my friend. They can tell that I am talking so that I can hear my own semi-smart words that are complicated to catch up with (there's no point in saying it then!). This kind of behavior falsely puts importance on open-mindedness, but the truth is I'm close-minded in this case because when I speak, I make it seem as if I am open-minded and waiting for a response. But I actually don't care about a response, I only want to hear my words.
My friends are quick to notice that I always ask "Are there Asian ppl in your acting class?" or "Is there an Asian girl in theatre dept?" Asian this, Asian that. Girl this, girl that. I can explain myself! I am curious to know if there are more Asian women in theatre or film. But this has ballooned into an obsession, not just a curiosity, therefore it is unhealthy to constantly ask (sounds like stalking almost :-( ) whether there are Asian women in dramatic arts. A bigger picture would expose that it is unnecessary for me to ask that question because it only brings up the issue that Asian Americans are underrepresented in theatre and film. But presenting this is useless in conversational context. When I ask if there are Asian girls in theatre class, I make it more than obvious that I am interested in finding an Asian girl who shares my same interest. Therefore when I ask that question, I make it obvious that I have a hidden agenda, a motive of wanting to cast a girl for my next movie. This is an improper method of casting, so I must stop asking and stop being stalker-like. My question is simply obsessive and unnecessary.
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