Attention seeking is redundant in a way because it does not pay attention to the very fact that a staged presence always gives oneself attention. Take for example, my expenditure and efforts spent on writing an amazing piece for the Asian American Writer's Workshop. I sat up for two hours on Friday night and wrote a short three paragraph piece (chicken scratch). I revised it for an hour. Little by little I had this stream of expectations...maybe the audience will clap and they will come up to me at the end of the show and compliment me, at least. These are quite high expectations considering this usually does not happen unless the piece is incredibly arresting, you're a featured writer or performer, or you are a celebrity whom everyone has a Meet and Greet pass for. This is not cynicism at its worst, it's practical thinking according to the confines of the Asian American Writer's Workshop. This also cannot be seen in a wipe sweep: I should not make generalizations because everyone in attendance was an individual: they had many other reasons for not speaking to me or complimenting me. Maybe they were in a hurry to do something else, or they had their minds on something else. Perhaps they have forgotten about my piece because they were exhausted from the events before, or their heart was won over by the featured performers. Or perhaps they are shy, like me. Some people are shy and they don't have the courage to go up to someone (a stranger) and compliment them. This sounds like a small task, but they are really exposing themselves. Sometimes people will expend their energy and do it because they were really touched by a piece. Whether I should think this rare is a matter of giving into cynicism. I want to keep my hopes up and my doors open, therefore I will not speculate on the chances or generalize because the phrase "You never know" is prominent, especially in this situation when dealing with strangers. Most importantly, people are not obligated to say thanks to you or compliment you. They are not obligated to smile at me or make friends with me.
I used to have clear cut intentions when I lay eyes on someone that is attractive. This spawned a host of problems, especially emotional duels inside of me. But I have to learned to restrain these unbridled desires. I have learned to place practicality first and realize my priorities. My priorities at the moment are school and finding employment. These are the groundworks for "settling down." These two feared words begin to make sense. Marriage actually does not sound too bad in terms of laying down a family structure/unit and then spreading the hopeful wealth according to socioeconomic floor plan (because it's easy and marriage is a standard union...is this conforming?). I want to get married, live in a mid-size apartment in the city or Brooklyn, and find time in between my family and career to still pursue acting part time, and also pursue my artistic endeavors. But will my artistic endeavors be fruitless once I acquire a career? A career is serious business--it is not a job or a regular hire when I'm expendable. Hopefully this career is incredibly well-paid (I do want to be paid well as this is the Asian Tiger Mother/family's dream) and it has a standard 9 to 5 with both weekends off. This would provide me ample time to pursue my artistic endeavors. By then, I might have lost my edge for creativity, or even turned my entire back on it because my directions and aims have shifted towards a new perspective. Who knows?!
I quell my intentions to ask a girl out because I start to consider her flaws. Yes, everyone has flaws, but I am keen to pick up on particular bad traits that I may not be able to stand or put up with come dating time or farther, co-habitation time. A few things I cannot stand include psychological misgivings (bouts of emotional explosions which cannot be controlled i.e. she needs to take time out and deal with it in incredibly isolated ways), immaturity (quick to blame it on me or scapegoat someone else out of frustration, or uses her defensive mechanisms too quickly and when unnecessary), loud and obnoxious (fine line between being outspoken and obnoxious; obnoxious means you tread on someone else's rhetoric and you begin to impose or become dogmatic). I think it's agreeable that having opinions (stereotyping) is standard because we are only human. But I prefer to be with someone who is open-minded, super liberal (not when it comes to morals, though, because moral relativism is a problem), incredibly creative (not for showing off or selling oneself short though). I want to be with someone who is sexually active (fun!) and someone who can parse philosophical chapters and have long conversations about nothing, in times of boredom of course. Otherwise do not entertain me with philosophical ditties in normal time and day.
But I have learned to stop intentions for dating women, for two reasons, one is I am afraid of rejection so I will expend my time doing other stuff which is studying. I would rather spend my time studying than chasing a girl which includes making time for her and going on dates. But this is a problem in its own: the expending of energy and effort for a girl is romantic, is incredibly inspiring, and also responsible. Time is an ill factor that is most repudiated. Some people don't crunch any time at all to spend with friends or with family. Time is ever moving, YES, this is obvious, but it does not afford excuses not to do something or anything at all. The phrase "make time" is most wielded because it makes sense to make time for your romantic partner, especially because you put them somewhere on the hierarchy of school and work (I don't work which gives me MORE time!). However, time is tricky to debate. Most people subjectivize time and one person's hour can be another person's entire day spent doing something meaningful not trivial hopefully! YES, pragmatically, there are things that are trivial while others are simply a waste of time and idling away time when time could be much better spent.
I do not want to churn out time for a woman because I cannot balance my priorities. I am bad at balancing two or more duties. In fact, I have sped through life by placing myself in textbooks, isolating the rest of me. My social life is not at its peak or its most developed stages. I do not hang out with my friends excessively or as much as I want to. The issue is that when I have a girlfriend I will devote most, if not all, of my time to her because I know in my heart it will supercede my studies at any rate. It blinds me. Love blinds me to do stupid things and I will devote all my time being lovey dovey with her. I have not gone on enough dates to completely erase that innocence of dating and that halo effect which stares me in the eye. When it comes to love, I end up putting it first because I am still ideal when it comes to finding love. This is pertaining to the moments when I begin to find or develop a love. I don't think my pragmatism would appreciate continuous lovey dovey ness, especially not when my girlfriend's bad, undesirable sides are exposed. I don't condemn undesirable sides because everyone has a yin and a yang and everyone has a good and bad within them. We have advantages and we surely have disadvantages that are repudiating and far less attractive than our positive traits.
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