Practicality

In order to conserve time and mental energy I have adopted practicality. Practicality of thought. However this employed at a slant. I don't want to circumscribe or stereotype every type of person that I encounter in a meaningful situation. Though this is unavoidable (stereotyping is only natural; stereotypes are not necessarily bad), I don't want to treat miscellaneous scenarios and pertinent scenarios with equal weight. Because they are not of equal importance. One is clearly more important because I am involved in it and so are my friends or family. I treat these cases with subtlety and with less counts (I don't count friendships or favors, depending on the person). I believe in the nuances of strangers and I will be more liberal in thinking or judging e.g. I think this homeless man is mentally unstable and this is unfortunate, instead of this homeless man is definitely crazy and he is really annoying me. However the latter thought could transpire in cynical New Yorkers who wish to avert problems and avoid everyone around them on trains or crowded spaces. I choose the former because it does not pass definite judgment and it does not concretize these judgments for reproduction. I don't want to reproduce these negative thoughts or aversive behavior. This is difficult to control or edit especially when I am having a "bad day." During bad days, I tend to shield everyone around me; everything that touches me needs to be neutralized, sanitized, and detonated because I don't want to come in contact with the world. How shallow and self-centered/selfish is this conception that I believe marks the equally cynical person. Before I go on and point fingers at cynics, it is not their fault that they behave this way. Goodness hopefully spawns goodness. To look down on cynics is to judge---it is a form of judgment as well. Yes, we all judge, but we should not publicize it or write it down on a public web blog! Some things are better left in the mind than vocalized in public.

Bad days are generally driven by interruptions to the habits of daily routines and unanswered expectations. At least in my life. The bad days that I have are marked by fatigue, lethargy, irritability, scorn towards the earth, and festered expectations that did not flower. I wake up one morning and place myself in the shoes of expectations and wear them out into the open, unaware that surprises are lurking around the corner, ready to seize my emotions. I used to leave my apartment thinking that my daily routines will keep me safe and in check, rather than doing something different. Of course "doing something different" or "taking a risk" does not imply doing something different in order to prove a point. Those are usually done to "spice things up" or to "kick it up a notch." The hazards of life include curveballs but I must be ready to deal with them and walk through them, most importantly. This was the mantra my high school principal said on graduation day. He advised us to walk through the problem, not skid around it or skirt the edges of it. But what I realized is that I have been avoiding many things up to now. I have done nothing but avoid or deny or cover my butt. Clearly I have avoided being hurt and I have avoided facing my emotions head on. I have avoided being open to my emotions by closing myself off to them. I use my head a lot, but I don't use my heart adequately. If only I could use my mind in moderation and let my heart experience certain emotions. Instead of rationalizing so damn much, I want to experience and have a more pronounced heart. I don't want to rationalize as much; I want to feel.