Open Minded

You need someone to believe in you. You can use the term "sponsor" if you're cynical and you believe in money everything. You need someone to goad you, to urge you. But you can't rely on them every second to remind you that you have to work hard.

"Every point of view has another angle. And every angle has its merit..." Plumb's lyrics echo Nietzschean multiperspectival lenses.

Being more open-minded helps. Being less sheltered helps as well. Being less armchair works too. Matt from AAFE pursued the issue of armchair philosophy with odious words---he wants me to travel outside of my comfort zone, travel to another region and study. Studying abroad was his suggestion for me. To open up the circle of possibilities, and to free me from armchair sociology. After riding the train with him and spewing theories of sociology he realized that I was completely insecure without my theories. He suggested that I apply these theories by working overseas, traveling, doing a dissertation, doing a fellowship, etc. These suggestions have pushed me to consider, but remain unmoved and instead lodging myself back in my comfort zone which is schoolwork, and armchair theories. I also drift around Union Square. Z has also criticized me for remaining in Union Square, tarrying around its edged and afraid to go anywhere else. Clearly the City is huge and I'm preoccupied with Union Square. Because I'm familiar with it and I see it through rosy lenses. I have not freed myself from the circle.

I have returned to acting, but my hope is waning. I did not get a followup email after my callback for the MFA Graduate Playwrights audition. I also did not get news from Alex Lau for this upcoming film that touched my heart. Because I have not received news from them, I am relying on their words and presence to move me along. I am too reliant on my friends and external sources to goad me. This is where scores and scores of celebrities urge people that are nobodies to never stop believing and never stop hope. Clearly I am listening to them because I am dependent on others to feed my hope and to feed my inspiration. Inspiration does not need to be ought from outside, but fuelled inside by reflection, introspection, and some former intuition. I am reliant on others, but when it comes down to it, I can only rely on myself when I'm on this road of unstable hangouts. I do not fault my friends for not being able to habitually see me. But because I'm aware of this possibility even, I need to understand that I cannot rely on them to make me happy and to support me. Clearly this is because individualistically, we are all busy and focused on ourselves. It is not until you turn the situation into a certain frame (e.g. Framing an accident that just occurred--no longer individualistic for maybe obvious reasons in let's say, a DWI.) that you realize the stakes. Individualistically we cannot count on others because of it's very definition--we are individuals who must take care of ourselves when the going gets tough. This does not mean Fuck everyone else. Not at all. It does not mean I can take my anger out on my friends and lash out at them for not being there when I needed someone to be there. These whiplashes of anger are rather emotional and irrational because they assign blame for the backfiring of "friendships" when anything goes wrong. This is irrational and it defies the very fact of life that friends do not get to see each other every single day. It defies the habits and it defies some kind of super-expectation that causes the expectation to become an obligation. Because once it's an obligation, freedom is no longer available. And nobody wants to be in a friendship because they are required to; they want to be in it willingly because their heart agrees to.