Transparency

Marilla was surprised that I did not have a prom date in high school. She motioned for me to spill the beans and I did. She asked if my schoolmates thought I was offputting. I did not see this a heavy-handed comment, instead, I saw it as a transparent moment where I asked myself, Are you really that transparent that people see through you? Clearly, I've only spoken to Marilla twice. We've never hung out. What exactly does she sense in me that stirs such emotions inside of me? What about transparency frightens me? I think I have always wanted to be a chameleon, but mainly, a mysterious person because mysteriousness allows me to hide and be invisible at times when I don't want to be noticed. Mysteriousness is also hard to deal with, so it's a tactic I employ as part of my character; anyone I sense who has an ability to decode me (Reminiscent of fruity song lyrics such as "You know me so well") gets a sticker in my book because they see through me. But lately, my transparency level is high. This is disappointing because I cannot be mysterious to the people that I encounter. I am afraid that to the ones I speak to, they consider me a walking transparent Ken, but for the ones that I do not speak to, they simply don't care or even notice me. But for me to ask the prime question of why are people not noticing me would be an unhealthy form of narcissism. It should not matter who notices me until I am noticed by one particular person.

Being at Town Hall was nerve-wracking not only because I could not see well (I do not wear my glasses because I sense that I look handsomer without my glasses) but also because I could not believe the amount of people who do art exist. This seems to be antithetical to the desire for artists to get together. You're probably wondering, why would this be undesirable for Ken considering he calls himself an artist. Well, part of me resents those who have talents and seem to present themselves well. Confidence becomes the mark of discomfort for me. I am scared by other people's confidence. It seems incredibly strange but I am scared and fearsome of confident people because I lack the initial confidence in making new friends. I was incredibly shy and unable to hold eye contact with anyone at Town Hall tonight. I was afraid to make eye contact. I cannot believe that I was afraid to make new friends. Part of me receded so far from my body. I could see my body sitting on the chair but my confidence shrunk and curled up into a ball so far from the nerves of my body. It was almost as if I feared other people around me because they had aspirations that I know I do not, or are still trimming.

I need to iron out my kinks and own up to the reality that it is difficult. It is radically difficult to goad myself to be positive. I keep sinking back into negative thoughts and pessimism. It does not help when I have to engage in a conversation. Clearly, I am too conflicted about my presentation that I miss what other people are saying.