Women

When I post sexist remarks on Facebook or casually recite them in person, I often spew hatred at women in general, especially the women who have "wronged me" in the past. Wronged meaning rejected me or took advantage of me. So when I spew vitriolic remarks ignorantly, I am blaming the amalgam of women who have hurt me in the past. But when I say these devastating remarks, I cast my blame on women in general. In doing this, I assert a masochistic/machismo facade that alludes to masculinity over femininity, patriarchy, and misogyny. Yes these are pretty ignorant and incredibly sexist notions. But please be aware that I have been raised to the tune of patriarchy. Yes these excuses do sound like the golddigger women who claims she was abused by her Dad and now she seeks money more than anything else because her Dad always paid her as a child. But just because something immoral and heinous has befallen you in the past does not make it righteous if you stand uncorrected. Especially if you are fully aware of your evil deeds or ignorance. It doesn't make it right is my point. When I cast blame at women in general I am lowering women and telling them to bow down to me in effort to enlarge my own shadow. This is also casualty to the Napoleon Complex which affords me the right to enlarge my ego when my physical stature is close to nothing. It is exemplary of the mindset of narcissism and overt enlarging of the ego in times of vulnerability.

Sometimes I find myself cussing at a girl for dressing "too pretty" or wearing "too tight" jeans not because I truly feel that way but because she is not dressing for me. She does not want my attention and clearly she does not open up to my attention (I don't know if she opens up to other men but I automatically assume that she should be my attention that the world revolves around me). Because she does not see me, I blame her for exactly just that under the guise that she is too slutty or too hipster or too this or too that. But the real issue is that she did not do it for me. I complain it about through a criticism. Criticisms are always disguised, but they reveal a personal blemish or issue that is deep-rooted and impossible to convey without a defense mechanism.

When I see a girl on the train, I make an immediate judgment based on her physical appearance. Her attire shapes her into the intellectual presentation before me. If she is of a certain archetype I will classify the hell out of her in order to select my prey. If she is wearing horn-rimmed glasses, I will classify her as a hipster, if she is wearing incredibly heavy makeup I will classify her as a diva, if she is in stilettos or pumps and a dress I would classify her as a club goer who is off limits. Every classification also notifies a part of me in selecting my prey. I know when to back off which is to look somewhere or when to ogle her. I can choose to stare at a girl that I feel is ripe in appearance and demeanor. Demeanor meaning not threatening or closed-off. Clearly put a girl who is not too masculine to threaten my own masculinity and a girl who is not too dolled up that she is the eye candy for all the men on the train. External factors or pseudo-competition also put me at a chance of low confidence and insecurity issues. Clearly, I pick on women who are rather stunted emotionally because it affects the Knight-in-Shining-Armor lens. I choose to romanticize real life when I wear headphones. But when I wear my headphones I choose to isolate myself and add this psychical distance to the real life. I step outside of myself sometimes when I listen to music and I remain in the shadows and not take action.

Sometimes I present myself in a subtle way and I wonder if women ever notice that I am trying to solicit their attention. I would stand close to them and hug a pole while bumping my head to the music. I would look incredibly sad and absorbed with my music, hoping that they see the vulnerable side of me, which is rather a turn off in general sense. A woman does not want a guy who affects a rather weak front. A presentation of a weak front is undesirable because no one wants to see someone crying on the train unless this is a heightening of the Knight-in-Shining-Armor effect. I would not want a woman to be crying in front of me to get my attention. But I do wish that a woman be bumping her head to music in front of me because she breaks the norms of the train ride. Clearly I want a woman who breaks the norms and is not afraid to be herself. This is rather smug and self-righteous to assert that I can tell whether someone is breaking the norms or not. I cannot assume that every girl on the train is a ditz unless she speaks in fluent hipster talk or prompts a conversation with me about philosophy. Clearly making these assumptions places a certain, narrow-minded view on the passengers male and female. But because I do not want to pay attention to every train rider, whoever my eyes fall on becomes an evaluation.

Women are interesting because they are dissimilar to men. After having a conversation with the boys last Friday, I realized that my confidence requires a flirting with the numbers game. I need to do what Dharmesh did, which was to bag girls. This does not suit me because you who is reading this would think Wow Ken is NOT like that at all and doubt my masculinity and doubt my self-confidence, but I assure you that there are parts of me that lie dormant. I am not out to prove you wrong because I do not want to do something for the sake of doing something, but I do want to put you in an open-minded standpoint where you can be aware that I have possibilities too, just as you have possibilities. I want to be able to mack on a girl as Dharmesh did. Even though he has the stature, this should not dwarf my confidence. If my confidence shines like the sun on a summer's day then I can let my confidence and personality shine over my physical shortcomings. This obviously depends on the woman because she can assess very differently. It is a case by case situation that is affected by environment, temporal emotions, or instincts. It also is based on face to face interaction and body language that is either hit or miss.