:(

Save the fancy language. Save the terminology. I want to be real. For the second time I am really experiencing guilt. I don't want to get the world's attention, I only want my friend's attention.

I want to purge. I want to like myself. I want to change. For the better. I want to change for my friends. I want to stop hating myself. I want to change for myself, first and foremost. Maybe I should learn to love myself. Instead of venting judgments about other people around me, I should learn to accept myself and not project self-hatred towards others around me. I should make a conscious effort to take my friends' advice. After all, they are my friends. I should not take them for granted. All those posts about morals and ethics, it's time I started listening to my own words and practice what I preach. I need to do serious self-work. Unfortunately this is the tenth time I have to tell myself that I need to wake up and be respectful to other people.

It's not right that I treat my friends with the same level of distrust that I feel for other New Yorkers who don't know anything about me or care about me.

Instead of listening, I entered a defensive mode, as I always do. I get angry when I don't have things my way. I get angry because passion overcomes logic and I shut out everyone around me. I don't realize that my friends are there for me even when I'm hard at hearing. I know how unfair and rude it is to cut my friends off and deny that I had done anything wrong in the first place. Instead of taking their advice I trailed off and made everything a joke. I need to change that about myself. I can't make any promises and that's a shame too.

I recognize the bad parts of myself and it took a good five ruined relationships to tell myself that my same flaws have not changed and have not been treated. It has taken me seven years to change myself and I have not changed my ways: I am still cynical and I am still negative.

But I'm working on it. I'm trying my hardest to evolve.

If it doesn't work, I will try harder. I want to be sincere: practice what I preach and be honest with my emotions. I will also say less, do more. I feel very shameful that I have to post my issues. But they're not shameful if I change myself. I don't want to be the bad apple when all I've gotten from my friends are attention and advice which is really what I survive off of.

I want to be someone better. So I will make a conscious effort to change. That feeling is only growing darker and heavier--the feeling of hurting a friend and knowing that I feel awful because I wronged them at the silliest of moments when all I could have done was thank them and say good night. Foolishly and ungratefully, I trailed off and focused on myself. The feeling only gets heavier, but I hope that by morning I will have embodied my mistakes and make a conscious effort to evolve and patch up my spots of error.

My mistake is my epiphany. I'm sorry.

In order for me to prove myself of truth and no bullshit I will wear myself differently