Unhappiness

I want to purge. I want to purge because I want to escape myself. I wish I can enter a machine and come out another person, a better person. Funny because other times when I'm not feeling down, I don't want to be anyone but myself. In fact, those are the times when I want to be tongue-and-cheek and blatant. The only time when I want to change is when I am on my knees. And even when I'm on my knees, I dramatize the situation as if my life is not dramatic enough. I take life for granted thinking that my ultimate existence is free from drama. But in knowing this very fact I create drama to make my life more interesting.

Life is actually simple, but I freely choose to make it complicated. I take my friends for granted, and I don't think before I speak. Clearly, I don't realize that there are consequences for my actions. And I don't realize that my actions will affect others around me.

I post offensive, controversial, strange, convoluted statuses and write extremely theoretical notes on my Facebook so that I can show off to my friends. I maintain 960 friends and constantly check if the number goes up or down. I admit that I am a social climber since high school. But the inability to garner positive attention in high school carried this negative wanting for attention into college. For the past six years of my life I have sought attention from people left and right. I have craved attention in the form of narcissism. Narcissism is an undesirable quality. What is even annoying is when I rub it in people's face that I am a narcissist and that I admit my mistake of being one. Some of my posts are simply there for attention and contain no hint of truth. But of course in any joke there is a trickle of truth. I post strange statuses so that for every comment I get I am validated because I know that someone has read my status. Upon seeing no Likes or comments, I feel empty for posting the comment. Often times my posts are false. I post lies on my status and this pisses my friends off: they don't know when I'm serious or when I'm not. This is ultimately a turn off because they constantly have to guess whether they should side with me or not. When they're constantly playing this guessing game, how can they trust me? I do this in order to feed my acting side. This is an excuse to play status games with my friends. And it's very unpleasant for them. I understand that most of my pictures are also contrived. They are created in a way that begs for attention. Quietness and anonymity are not words in my wordbank. In fact, to me, these words are curses.

I will try not to log onto Facebook anymore. Eventually my curbed visits on Facebook will discourage me from posting lies and deceits. I will have to start practicing what I preach because nobody likes a hypocrite. Though it is said that everyone is a hypocrite, this statement is useless in terms of self-improvement because it only calls for excuse not to change for the better. I want to be better for my friends and ultimately for myself.

Honestly, my search for attention is founded on invisibility during high school. I wish I was seen by the world. And in not being seen, I get angry and I vent my anger on my friends, indirectly, and piss them off. Also, I contrive stories on Facebook to elicit sympathy and pity. Self-pity is my drug and laughter is my anti-drug. False bouts of laughter is my problem. Especially because I am cynical. I am cynical because I feel jaded by my world around me and unaccepted by so-called "society." This unhealthy form of cynicism simply defeats all my purposes of change and improvement.

I want to purge. I want to rid myself of this negativity and be positive. I want to be happy with myself and stop hating myself in the process of living life. I hate combating with myself. Part of me wants to change, but the other part of me loves familiarity and it is dying to remain the same.

Take risks? It's easier not to. But if risks are not taken, I fail at life. The answer is obvious. But I need to practice what I preach. I can type another 500 pages about my problems with life, but if I don't take action, I am only prolonging it.