"You often don't appreciate good health until you are sick." This statement packs such a punch. I've been reckless with my eating habits and steeply unaware of my sugar intake (I've been craving M&Ms and drinking diet sodas packed with aspartame and corn syrup [cancer-inducing agents]). I've feared for two years that I have diabetes. Last year my blood test results revealed negative but my body is sending me other messages of imminent failure. I suspect that my body has been sending me warnings of sorts, and I have not hearkened them or addressed them properly. It has been warning me to get an annual since it is a new year. The worst part is that any illnesses could have erupted since my last blood test. I fear I may have issues with my thyroid gland or my kidneys. I don't want to sound like a hypochondriac, but I feel like my life conflicts are possibly internal since everything is fine externally.
Regarding my eating habits, I "generally" consume "healthy" foods such as a quotidian diet of rice and Chinese veggies and meats every single day. I have increased my intake of red meat over the past few years, and I have increased my consumption of fast food especially during my splurges with friends. For the many "yeet hay" foods that Chinese people condemn, my mom has always warned me of an breaking point which results in either acne ("breakouts") or sore throats that could escalate into fevers. My Dad has always cautioned me against the cold air; he calls it "evil" according to Chinese superstitions. He reasons that people are so fearful of the cold and its germs that even strangers communicate to one another, "God bless you." It is scary that every time my Dad prognosticates a cold or fever, he is often right. But I still don't listen to him. And as a result of ignorance / rebellion, I get incredibly sick as a dog which limits my studying time and it dramatically shortens my time with friends (All of these ancillary activities can always be done after one gets better, common sensically, because without your good health you can't do any of those activities without suffering.). I always make light of dad's warnings and forebodings because I enjoy taking risks and I enjoy having my way as I am twenty one years of age. But he is looking out for my health. After all, "nobody else cares about your health but your parents. You certainly don't care about yourself." My Dad would always guilt-trip me into acknowledging his righteousness. I certainly don't want to be sick because it "sucks ass" to be spending time at home when everybody else is outside.
I don't have any visible drama with friends, ex-friends, people in general. I don't have social interactions that lead to inflated gossip or chain rumors. Though these are undesirable occurrences among peers, I have yearned for drama since the end of high school (I mirror my life against television dramas.). After high school ended, drama was terminated. My external conflicts such as fights and gossips terminated. College became a rollercoaster ride for internal conflicts mostly with parental expectations and "crossroads" moment where I decide if my major is worth pursuing, and whether I will have a successful future. I have not had a major incident in my life that I can say that I was knee-deep in life-and-death struggle (except for one instance a year ago). Maybe all of my "problems" are internal---maybe Claudia is right: maybe the creator [God] did create everyone with a specific "expiration date" by which we must try to honor. We cannot prolong our expiration dates, we can only shorten it by "doing drugs" or engaging in other stupid activities that threaten our well-being.
If a doctor forecasted my death date, I would not want to know it. Because then I will be lazy to make everyday my last. Instead, I will sit on my ass until I die because I know that I have a set date. I know that my efforts will be in vain because I won't get to see my future. I rather live life not knowing until there is a so-called accident.
As an agnostic, I've always wondered how tragic accidents and disasters are visited upon certain people(s). I've wondered if the creator made a mistake when he paired two or more persons in happenstance accidents. Are these "accidents" or hit and runs accidental because of free will (the persons involved) or are they accidents of the creator because he had an ill sleight of hand? I've pondered how the creator could wipe out three people in a fatal car accident. Did all persons involved sin for some time? Did they commit an act of atrocity that ticked the creator off, He decided to erase their existence? Or did the creator purely make a mistake and now there are grieving families who ask questions like Why. I believe in free will (Sartrean sense) but I do not believe in radical free will (Ayn Rand) because libertarianism is such an ideal. If I subscribe to free will, then there is no deterministic forces in play because humans possess laissez-faire to the creator. Hands off creator! They can muster their free will, and as a result of their "mistakes" and "bad choices," shit befalls them, i.e. consequences follow their actions. But if we believe in determinism, we can hearken the expiration date and we can say that when an accident occurs, the creator has willed it to happen because either he desired it, or it was premeditated.
But do certain people need "wakeup calls" to realize their dire situations? Do psychopaths need to be arrested in order for them to be healed? But is the creator looking out for the psychopath's Good or for the public's well-being? Is He benevolent therefore he causes the psychopath to kill someone. But with this homicide, the "world" will slightly be better? Do these crimes benefit the assailant or the victim? Do they benefit anyone? It depends if these crimes are accidents of the creator, or if they are purposeful/intended crimes. This obviously critiques the moral grounds and ethics of the creator. One single creator bears a colossal weight of responsibility. But only if determinism is spelled out with certitude.
I remember one moment when I pondered taking my life in high school. I wondered if anyone would notice (motivated for attention, unbeknownst to the grief I will trigger in my parents) and I wondered if the "other side" promised greener grass and alternate modes of living. Linda wants to come back in the consciousness of another person and fuck with their heads or visit this person's thoughts. But I wonder our motivations and intents for doing this, whether it is for fun or for revenge similar to the film Ghost starring the late Patrick Swayze. I want to stalk certain people in my next life. Either that, or I live in the body of an inanimate object. But then again that is pretty boring unless I am either a travel mug (that goes on planes and gets to travel with a thirsty owner) or a bike which gets frequently used. Then again these inclinations are petty and silly because A, we don't know a single thing about the afterlife, and B, we should not devote time envisioning the afterlife when we should focus on our present lives which require not sleepwalking, but full presence and vigilance.
So carpe diem.
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