I don't want to go to graduate school because I do not want to be entirely independent from my parents, as Thomas has discerned. He has seen through me: I do not want to let go of my parents because of sheer habit (twenty one years of reliance on my parents have failed to do me any good at creating independence or thoughts of liberation) and because of sheer pampering. I have been coddled by my parents for a long long time whether this was by purchasing toys or getting candy bars from Dad. Mom and Dad would always abet my purchases of Power Rangers' toys. I would beg my parents for these toys in Toys R Us and I would always create a scene. It makes me wonder why money was such a great affair back then only to throw money away now like it was coming out of my ass. I wonder how much I take my parents for granted because it's almost as if these two persons in my life are simply there in my life at my disposal whenever and wherever I need them, but I do not consider them anything close to me. I do not consider them my parents entirely because I rarely mention them and I incidentally speak ill of them by claiming that they restrict my freedom. But the truth is their goods outweigh their bads. They can restrict my freedom but they have allowed me to live under the same roof for twenty one years. "It could have been worse." I should be thankful that my parents did not manage to break up and then break me into a million pieces. But why would I break into a million pieces when I am barely emotionally invested in my parents' well-being? Z told me that I should be very grateful instead of condemning my parents, because there are other kids out there who do not have parents or have foster parents and their relationships are as not as pure as mine is.
The real reason why I want to start working is because I am cynical towards society: I no longer view education as a higher ground; neoliberalism has snagged the arms of educators and reformed its goal from educating students to robbing students and leaving them with overwhelming debt. The Youtube video and various articles online have reminded me that schools of education are profit centers, similar to New York Film Academy which do nothing but churn out degrees in order to benefit their own reputation while eating students' wallets and in turn throwing them out with a shitload of debt. How can this be anywhere near didactic? How can this cause students to transcend the status quo? How is this instrumental at all? I think it is a massive burden that cannot be overstated. If I go to graduate school, I will idle away another two to three years of my wakeful life studying to become an armchair philosopher or sociologist that will produce momentary work. I rather enter the workforce now as a manual laborer and experience what it is like to toil an 8 to 11pm shift and to earn penny-rate wages. I want to experience this because it may produce in me another kind of epiphany. Maybe this eye-opening experience will not only take aim at my body but it will also open my eyes. However this opening of my eyes will not benefit me in any other way. Without a degree I cannot ascend my work as a waiter, let's say. I cannot choose to become more than a waiter if I have an epiphany that being a waiter is nowhere near bliss or amazement.
One of the questions with no answers is What will my future be? There is simply no answer because no one has the power of clairvoyance or premonition. I have pondered the traditional American Dream with a house and a car in the driveway. And a nice neat little garden in the front to adorn the landscape. Maybe a porch to entertain guests and a nice spot for the grill in case of Fourth of July barbecue. But my previous blog post has blasted American ideals so I better rethink my plans of barbecuing and my ideal neighbors (white?). I have always pondered my future because first grade has always trained me to fear the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The wrong answer would always be "I don't want to be anything." Gavin Degraw makes his point that he doesn't want to be anything other than what he's been trying to be lately. But he's not addressing the same question teachers have pointed at students since kindergarten. These teachers who have become under-valued, are the lifeline for students growing up. But they have been responsible for indoctrinating students and shaming them if they do not become successful in the future. Success is subjective. But practically, success is colored in white: White persons have success and other races become token races on their rise to success. They are defined a certain way on the ladder of success. It is a one shot deal: a hit or miss. Success is certain, it's not being less than a stock broker or a wealthy social networking guru. Success does not include manual workers who are invisible on a day to day basis.
I can agree to be complacent and enter the bus boy industry and work the next two years of my miserable life as a waiter (not that being a waiter is shit low or on the lowest rung, depending who you ask because there are waiters who like their jobs, you never know!). I can agree to submit myself to mediocrity and wait tables and go home incredibly exhausted and pissed off about guests and my manager who insists on lengthening my shifts while curbing my tips and my hourly wage. I can continue buffering this job by reminding myself of the compliments I receive from hungry patrons who practice surfacing acting just as I do. I can get a kick out of these side orders and these clowns at work but the truth cannot be coated: I hate my job because of the oppression and the invisibility. If I am not the maitre d, then I am invisible and invisibility sucks because I am a nonperson. There is no waiter of the month award and waiters do not get pizza parties on a regular basis and they do not get commended. Of course it takes one to know one. I am only foreshadowing this nasty experience in my head.
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