Overthinking will be the death of me, literally. Emotional crumbs of jubilation and the morsels of happiness dance upon the surface of my heart. Life is so much better when I do not allow myself time to think. To distract oneself is to prevent the mind from wandering aka thinking. The discursive thoughts brew over silence and inactivity. Strangely enough Linda and I share the habit of internalization and inwardness, which philosopher Kierkegaard (founder of existentialism) praised. This type of looking inward is not necessarily introspection as in Oh I will look at myself and the shit in the past that I have fcked up. It is not about reckoning or redeeming oneself in the realm of religiosity, but it is about constantly turning toward oneself when there is nothing else to do. This constant wandering of the mind needs to be quelled. The voice needs to be turned down, or even snuffed. This overthinking does a person no good because it tends to shroud the person's consciousness and become an entity that lives inside a person. Hopefully it does not drive someone up the wall or drive them nuts (literally).
I think that buying things for oneself is amazing because it allows for reward and a sense of pleasure that is self-instantiated and self-regarding. Treating yourself and indulging yourself after acing an exam or landing that first kiss/job merits a reward for good/hard work. The overwhelming sensation of bliss similar to when Linda acquired her first dress at Forever 21. Or when I purchased my Billykirk Leather Satchel having waited two years to finally own it. With ownership comes the pride of owning the object. This pride descends into nothing because with time comes change. With styles and a variety of choices comes the quickening of change. Change causes the current wardrobes to expire and it no longer becomes recycled (this depends on the person's color choices, design tastes, etc.). It also depends on how you attach to your clothes. You can value all your clothes, but never try on old clothes again because you place more value on newer-looking clothes that surpass previous seasons or the outdated ones in your closet, depending on your definition of outdated. Or perhaps that one thousand dollar jacket you purchased and you swore you would never wear until a fitting occasion. Now that the occasion is here you don't want to wear it because you have something else that is more luxurious and more dazzling. Not only has money been wasted, the thousand dollar jacket has been forgotten, left collecting dust. Yes, rewarding ourselves is a good thing, but intensive purchasing habits become nefarious because it does not allow us to see sensibly or practically any longer. It blinds us to reality and it moves us into a mere acquisition of goods for the amelioration of the soul. When in doubt, buy your wallet out.
I want to play the song "What is Love" every time I anticipate feelings of lust and attraction towards a female. I don't understand love because I feel like I have been jaded to not believe in love, or to distrust love because it accompanies the halo effect and it brings nothing but heartbreak in the very end. The fact that I marshal no strength to take a leap of faith, I am certain to be cynical towards any relationship because I will be extremely guarded as I know how it will end. I will only imagine its death and quicken its demise. In my opinion love is dependent on one's past experiences as is everything else in life. We trust people because our past partners were trusting and trustworthy. But sometimes the courage to trust more in the future is coalescing as well. Love is a state of unity, not a state of disparate moments where unity occurs--love is not fractal---love understands its unity is not undulating like waves, it's clearly abridging many many factors, solidifying its unity and making it pronounced without loudness.
I had a strange feeling that if Linda disappeared, or Joe disappeared, or Elisabeth disappeared, or perhaps Jamie disappeared, I would feel incredibly lost, and meaningless. Each person differs in weight and in appreciative value (obviously inherent in a relationship value system that is discriminatory [sorry guys LOL]). Incredibly lost meaning I would simply not know what or how to feel because I would be instantly numbed and immune to any kind of emotion. I would be insusceptible to any kind of emotion because I would not know what to feel. I would not properly feel because any feeling would be wrong if not grief. I would be grief-stricken to tears and I would plummet to the floor in a heap of disaster and dramatic collapse. This shattering would include a disabled world with a frayed schedule and a lack of motivation for anything, everything. Without my friends I would not have a drive to do anything. Though their wishes for me to carry on with my life are inherent, I do not wish to do anything because my mind would keep me up and it would speak to me, it would beleaguer me with questions like Why did you let them go or Why did you not look after them hard enough? A sense of guilt would wash ashore and the lingering sand will create sand dunes of grief and sadness.
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